Are You a Bloodletter?

There is still some dispute over the exact cause of George Washington’s death.  Some believe it was pneumonia.  Most now believe it was a severe throat infection of some kind.  

Washington's Death

There is no dispute, however, over the ignorance of the treatment given to Washington in an attempt to save his life.  Many of you are familiar with the fact that the main treatment given to Washington was to bleed him.  They drew out 3.75 liters of blood, a very large amount.  He may well have survived had they not bled him so.  As it stands, they may have inadvertently killed him. 

That’s what they did do.  Something they didn’t do was perform a tracheostomy, a simple surgery where the throat is cut open so that breathing would be restored, and so that any secretions might be removed.  Two of the younger doctors attempted to convince the elder, trusted physicians to try this (at the time) very new and controversial surgery.  The elder physicians went with what was trusted, and elected to forego the tracheostomy.

Had they not performed the bloodletting and/or performed the tracheostomy, Washington almost certainly would have survived. 

Thing is, the physicians were acting out of ignorance.  It is easy to judge them, but they were doing the best they could.  They were acting on what was at the time, cutting edge knowledge.  They were acting on what they thought they knew to be best.  Sadly, it doesn’t change the outcome of Washington’s fate, nor many others who suffered from a needless, harmful treatment.  Many suffered and died at the hands of ignorance.

Were it not for a desire to learn, a desire to discover the truth, we might still be using this treatment today.  People asked questions, challenged the status quo.  At every turn, the new is challenged and the accepted truth defended.  Fortunately, through the boldness of a few, the truth usually eventually wins out. 

It is such a change that is needed now with depression.  Depression is the third most common disease in the world, and as is the fastest growing.  It is predicted to become the most common disease by 2030.  Yet, unlike many less common illnesses, most people don’t even want to recognize the truth of it’s existence.

My challenge to you is to consider the fact that depression is going to touch your life whether you want it to or not.  There are depressed people all around you.  Yet, so harsh is the stigma, so ignorant are the reactions to depression, that they are not only probably going to hide it from you, and everyone else, but they are going to do everything they can to deny the truth themselves.  Because of ignorance, an inability to change and grow, millions of people are suffering needlessly, they are not getting the help they need.  Just like with George Washington, the problem is treatable.  Depression is a beatable disease.  Yet, again, just like with Washington, we are treating those with the disease poorly, and we are not giving them the help they actually need to overcome. 

You may think this is someone else’s problem.  It is not.  Your father, mother, friend, son, daughter, brother, someone is going to suffer through this.  Do you really want to be like those doctors who drew Washington’s blood?  Thirty years from now depression will be known for what it is.  Do you really want to be the person that allows their own prejudice, fear, and ignorance to hurt those around them?  Don’t you want to be the man or woman who actually helps those they love?  I know you do.  We all do.

Mental Illness is a very misunderstood concept.  People think it is vastly more mysterious than other illnesses.  Most see it as wholly different from being a real medical illness, something closer to voodoo, best to be treated with tricks of the mind or some other weird treatment, or better yet, to roll your eyes at, because it’s a all just weakness from weak people. 

Most mental illnesses don’t START in the mind.  They aren’t floating in the land of thoughts.  They are physical in nature and AFFECT the mind.  Take dementia.  Another illness once not understood.  We used to just think people’s minds got old.  We called it senility.  Now we know that the brain actually deteriorates, and there is a growth of compassion and treatment with that understanding.  Clinical Depression is physical in nature.  As of now, what we understand it to be is an unbalancing of the hormones of the body and chemicals in the brain.  Those shifting hormones and chemicals mess with our minds.  Everyone on Earth experiences this in some way.  We all experience puberty.  Women endure PMS and later menopause.  All of us are at the behest of these chemicals and hormones, and have a limited ability to control how we actually feel.  With depression, what little ability to control is stripped. 

So, telling someone to simply get over their clinical depression won’t help any more than telling someone with cancer to stop having cancer.  If you want to help, understand the truth of the problem and fight it.  You wouldn’t fight cancer by telling people to get over it, so stop doing so with depression.  You fight cancer with the means we have.  You do chemo, leaches, whatever.  Do the same with depression.  Go get help for you or your loved one.  Go to the doctor, see a psychiatrist, a counselor, a pastor.   Let go of the archaic knowledge that is prevalent about depression, and embrace the truth, lest you be like those doctors who let out Washington’s blood, and resisted giving him the surgery that would have saved his life.  Your loved one’s life is worth the difficult task of accepting a hard truth that can save it.

As always, remember that God is with you and loves you.  Depression is beatable.  It is going to be okay, as long as you don’t quit.  Keep fighting.  If you have any questions or thoughts, please write me.  I’d be happy to talk to you.

Post Depression Life: Feeling Good Will Make Life So Easy... NOT!

There was this myth that rolled around in my formerly depression-riddled mind.  It went something like this... once I am no longer depressed, am healthy, and feel good again, everything will be easy.  In some ways this is very true.  Days come and go without much a of a fuss relatively.  They are a million times more pleasant, and I do mean a million times.

However, it turns out that feeling pain is not the only thing thing that makes life hard.  There is something else that makes life hard that I did not see coming.  It is that feeling awesome can make life hard!  

What, Nicholas?  How is this possible?  Feeling good is always good! 

Is it?  Because, if so, then we need to be making drugs legal and get on that ASAP.

Nicholas, you have to understand that, yes, that feels good NOW, but will destroy you later!

(Funny how smart you sound whenever you are having a conversation with yourself via print.  You always win.)

Exactly!  And this principle applies to everyone.  A person's desire to have sex outside of marriage will collide with their desire to not get someone or themselves pregnant, or get an STD, or hurt someone else's feelings, or sin.  A person's desire to be a good friend will collide with their desire to be first, be right, get the last piece of cake, be lazy, not go the extra mile, be entitled.  A person's desire to eat the whole cake collides with the desire to not get diabetes, fat, a sugar rush followed by a massive crash ending with them drooling on their keyboard at work.  A person's yearning for truth will collide with other people's same desire.  

In the end, desire is not a singular track.  It is not do I do what I want or not do what I want, but what do I want the most?  Our desires are not only conflicting with what we hate, but with our OTHER DESIRES.  That conflict of desire has been one of the biggest surprises of being healthy again.  I had forgotten how many times I wished I didn't feel a certain good feeling because it took me away from another desire.  I forgot what it felt like to have those many desires all tugging on you and you want them all at once, and you have to choose which one you want most.  I want to be a good friend and serve others.  I also want to do whatever I want whenever I want.  I want to eat all of the sugar and meat on planet Earth.  I also want to be in shape, not have colon cancer, and keep my teeth.  I want to be obedient to God and remain sexually pure, yet I also don't.  I want to serve God above all else, and yet I want to serve my self above all else.  Everyone struggled with this, no matter who you are. 

Moral being, prepare yourself for the fact that having desires again, while completely wonderful, and being the way it should be, and being a million times better than being in depression, isn't the end of your struggles.  It is just a different battle altogether.  

ROMANS 7:15

15 For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 

This verse is Paul, toward the end of his life, talking about his struggle with this concept.  Paul, one of the greatest men who ever lived, still struggled to with the conflicting desires in his heart.  At least we can take comfort in knowing we are in good company.

Post-Depression Life: Returning from Nam

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Photo by: Alfred Eisenstaedt

When World War II ended the country went nuts with euphoria.  Almost everyone associated with the war was revered.  Heck, to this day we are still saying thank you and still revere those men who fought in WWII. 

Then there is Vietnam.  The soldiers returning from Nam were not only not met with parades and congratulations, but disdain.  People didn’t understand the war they fought.  It wasn’t as clear cut in their minds as WWII, which had a Lord of the Rings like quality, with dark lord taking over the world and all.  People doubted the battle taking place in Nam.  The mission was murky.  Where as the vision of those who fought in WWII was of this sparkling American hero, clean-shaven, articulate, and ready to help an old lady cross the street, those who fought in Nam were seen as hobos with machine guns. 

The effect of this perception cut deep both ways.  Where it was a boon for many who served in WWII, it crippled many who fought in Nam.  There are countless movies and books chronicling this.  

I hate to say it, but “coming home” from depression is like coming home from Nam, not WWII.  I used to look at how people treated those who survived other dreaded diseases and I would envy.  Almost any other disease that is battled and survived is met with sympathy and congratulations.  Not so with depression.  You will get more sympathy and congratulations defeating a cold than you will depression, even though depression a trillion times more awful.  

You see, just like with Nam, people don’t understand the battle.  Heck, many don’t even believe it is a real battle.  You just need to get over it.  Even those who do believe it is real on some level, struggle to comprehend it (and rightly so).  Thus, sympathy is difficult.  They cannot relate.  They don’t really see the danger.  On some level, they are going to wonder why you can’t just stop being that way, even though they never once would think such a thing about you if you had the flu or cancer.  No one looks at someone with the flu, gets upset, and says, “Stop it!  Just stop it!  Get it together!  Pull yourself out of this!”  They will with depression, underlying their ignorance of what depression is.  (Reminder: do not judge people for being ignorant on this.  I can say that I would probably be the exact same way had I not been forced to see it first hand, and I would bet you would too.  So, be understanding.)  

The effect that this can have on you once you are out is just like that of those returning to battle.  It can be incredibly deflating to have just won the greatest victory of your life, to win the battle of a lifetime, and to have no one care.  They will never know how much you have done for them, how many times you wanted to end it but didn’t, not for your sake, but theirs.  They will never grasp your affection for them.  They will not see it as a sacrifice.  They will see you return to health, and they won’t feel pride of what you have achieved.  They will probably, in fact, tell you to hide your victory, and never tell anyone for fear of the stigma that will follow.  AND, sadly, there is wisdom in that.  What they will feel is just relief that you are no longer acting as you once were, that you are healthy again. 

What you have to do is let it go that your victory is not going to be seen for what it really is.  No parties.  Just relief.  You cannot let this keep you down.  And here is why.  I know of your victory.  Your brothers and sisters who have struggled with depression know it.  Most of all, God knows.  

1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Hebrews 4:13 (ESV)

And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Your victory will be remembered by God, and His memory is flawless and eternal.  

So, prepare yourself for what is to come, and don’t let it get you down, at least not for long.  Don’t let other people’s perception weigh on you.  Remember, they just don’t know, and that’s okay.  Depression is hard to understand even when you have gone through it.  I don’t blame those who haven’t for not getting it.  I know my victory.  I know what God has accomplished in me.  I know that God knows what I’ve been through, and smiles on me for the things I did well, for keeping on fighting.  Life is good.  The victory is won.  Your day is coming too.

Post-Depression Life: An Introduction

 

Job 42:12-17

12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.  

13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  

14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.  

15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.  

16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 

17 And so he died, old and full of years.

 

Again and again, the same scenario played itself out in my life whilst depressed.  Some song, such as Coldplay’s Fix You perhaps, would be blaring through the speakers of my car, sparking my recurring fantasy.  Though the means always changed, whether it be a hidden tumor, some rare disease, some pill, being struck by lighting, or simply just hitting my head, the end result of my fantasy was the same… healing.  I would go from my state of horrific, torturous emotional paralysis and involuntary negativity, and would return again to a normal heart.  The lightning would strike, BAM, and somehow, as if by magic, the hell would be over.  I would be alive again.  I would look in the mirror and see myself.  Not just the physical body, but me.  I would feel me, and everyone around me.  I would be normal, whole again.  

Some five years have gone since my depression subsided.  It has been absolutely wonderful to no longer be under the thumb of such torment.  My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude, joy, and excitement over no longer “living” as I once was forced to.  However, it has looked little like my fantasy. 

One of my best friends just had half of his liver taken out after they found a cancerous mass in it.  As of right now, it looks like he is going to survive completely.  There is great hope that the surgery was the last of it, that the cancer is gone.  Praise God!

However, things will never ever be the same for him.  The surgery may have saved his life, but it also left him with an enormous scar.  He will carry it for the rest of his life.  Not only that, but that surgery was painful, and so is the recovery process.  Think about that for a moment.   Even the process by which healing came hurt, still hurts, and will leave it’s mark on him, both in body and in spirit.  His life will never be as it was.  Every doctor’s visit will be met with a hint of fear of recurrence.  Every decision made form here on out will be made through a lens of cancer.  Can I eat this?  Should I do that?  Can I drink this?  The doctors have given him a list of new guidelines by which he will have to follow in order to ensure he continues.  He will live every single day with the fear of recurrence in his mind.  Over time that fear will be assuaged, but at each occurrence of his body acting up, the fear of recurrence will jump straight to mind.  He may live to be ninety, and never have cancer ever again.  He will still live with the residual scars of it until the day he dies.

Guys and girls, so it is with depression.  In my fantasy, the catalyst would come and wake me up.  Life would go back to the way it was.  The truth is that there is no going back.  I know what they may make you feel.  I know that hurts you.  That is not my intent.  There is life, love, hope, and goodness on the other side.  It is just going to be different than your life was before.  Life is still good for my friend, but it has changed.  My desire is to give you so much hope, but a hope based on what is real.  I want you to thrive in your post-depression life, and that means not being set up for disappointment by not being told what is true. 

Like my friend with his cancer, you will have to change things in order to live fully, things others may not.   You will have scars, big ones.  There will be an enormous healing process that goes on long after you are depression free.  Your mind and heart has been twisted by pain.  That doesn’t come undone overnight.  It takes faith, hope, love, courage, patience and much more.  You will live the rest of your life with a fear of recurrence.  Over time it will get better, but it will always be there. 

Now, go back up and read that passage on Job again.  Feel the hope in those words.  One of the most famous sufferers of all time.  So famous is his suffering we are speaking of it thousands of years later!  After his suffering, Job was given back what was taken.  Now, at first look we just get excited.  With further thought it hits us that what was taken from him was people.  His children died.  Are those people replaceable?  You know they aren't.  Nobody is replaceable.  You can refill an emptied roll, but you cannot replace a person.  Job was blessed.  His life was good!  However, it was not the same ever again.  He was given new life.

So will you be given new life. It's not that what was disappears completely.  There will always be links to who you were.  Our lives are a whole, not just of the moment.  You are no more you now than you were in the past.  You will simply grow and change.  It is only logical.  Let’s start looking at what is ahead, after you are healed.  Let's let go of the parts of the fantasy that are not real... the instant healing, the return to your old life one hundred percent, the miracle pill, and replace it with the truth.  You are in the fight for your life, and even after depression is defeated, your healing will take a long time.  In some ways (some bad, but some GOOD) you will be forever changed.  You will have new insights into the world.  You will have experienced and survived a torture and torment that is daunting.  In many ways I struggle with feeling like a failure, as most of us do.  I have not achieved much of what I wanted.  However, when I reflect genuinely upon what I have come through, when I remember the true depth of the hell I survived, I know that I have already achieved something great.  Every breath, every wondrous emotion, every time I feel love, sadness, wholeness, it is a victory I once thought impossible.  Most people will never know it, and that's okay.  God knows.  He knows my pain, my struggle.  It has not been lost, nor forgotten.  Nor has yours.  Nor has yours.

Depression, Emotion, and Reason

There's much to talk about when talking about depression.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming.  I get to thinking that I might forget something.  Something important.  Something that'll make a difference.

Yet, in the end, though there's quite a bit to cover, most of it is just extra.  There are some things that are the core of the fight.  They're the things that make or break you.

Hear me now.  I'm going to share with you one thing that really can change the battle, and not just for depression.  The truth works for anyone any time.

Your feelings DO NOT always tell the truth.

That's it.  Sounds simple enough, but with that in mind I think you will start to see just how often it is you let your feelings, how often I let my feelings, dictate how we think.  That's why I don't even like to say the adage, "Well, you can't control other people, but you can only control yourself."

Nope.  I can even do that, at least not a hundred percent.  If so, I'd be the happiest man alive.  Truth is, feelings are bigger than we think in rational process.  Start talking to someone with an opposing worldview.  If you know your stuff well enough to decently defend your view, there will come a point where that other person will throw out the "I just" clause.  It's where all actual reasoning has played itself out, and taken you or them so far, but not to the end.  Faith is inevitable.  And that point, when reached, is when we all say, "Well, that may be so but I JUST cant believe that... or I just have to believe that... and the following is filled in with what was wrought from emotion, not pure reason.

Everybody struggles with this.  I do all the time.  Only, most of the time, feelings follow enough of a pattern that corresponds with the circumstances of life, that it is easier to trust them (and also to be deceived by them).

This is why depression is so dangerous.  Thing is, in depression, your feelings stop corresponding with life.  Your feelings don't corresponding, seemingly, with anything.  Feels like satan himself has your brain in his hands and he's squeezing the living daylights out of it.

It is here where we are really challenged to ask ourselves... just what are we to do with our emotions?  Because, it feels like all hope is lost, and not just for now, but forever.  It feels like happiness is a lie.  It's not that it will not come back.  It can't come back.  Your every emotion screams for your life to end, or at the least for you to curl up in a ball and cease to move, for what's the point of moving?

I'll tell you how I first responded to this challenge.  Like an idiot, that's how.  I took on the problem of my emotions of death and utter hopelessness clashing with the memories of life before depression , of joy and wonder and happiness, and the need to survive for those around me, by trying to simply deny the importance of emotions in general.

"Feelings don't matter," I'd say.  So many times did I say it that my soul started to change.  A numbness came that I am still trying to fend off these couple years removed from the brunt of it.  My heart still tries to shut down at every turn.  All pain causes the walls to go up, and to my own detriment.  Walls keep out good things as well as bad.

Healthy people do it too.  This is where we get sayings like, "Love is a decision."  Takes out those pesky, unpredictable feelings and gives us a sense of control.  Only, it's a lie.  Love has a decisive quality to it, but it is much more than just a decision, and everyone knows it.  Love is scary because it is somewhat out of our control.  That's just the way it is.

On the other hand, as I said, most people feel something and take it as book.  If something feels true, we are almost helpless to believe otherwise.  The compulsion to comply with our feelings is huge.  I think this is because of the good feelings, the ones we cling to.  When we feel them, we want them to be true so badly that we feel we need to believe all our feelings.  If this feeling led me to this wonderful place, then my feelings must be true, because I want this feeling to be real, not just a fluke.

Why can't feelings be like people?  Yes, this is a metaphor.  People are real.  Some lie, and some tell the truth.  Part of life is discerning between them.  To feel the need to trust all people, at the risk of denying the reality that some people do tell the truth, is just foolish.  You'll believe any lie that comes your way.  Well, feelings are the same way.  They are all real.  But some of them lie.

In depression, your feelings are very real.  Your feelings are valid.  I am not taking away the validity of your pain.  I am simply saying that what they pain is telling you, "that you'll never be happy again, that you're lost forever, so just end it," is not true.  It just isn't.  And if you really want to fight well, you need to start internalizing this and acting on it.

One of the biggest, if not the biggest turning point in my fight against depression was when I stopped denying the existence of my emotions, started validating the reality of my pain's existence, but then rejected the message it was sending me.  It's when i realized that admitting that a feeling is real does not mean that what it is saying to me is true, that things changed.  I just said, "Okay, you're there.  The pain is real.  I'm just not going to believe what it has to say any longer.  Life is good, no matter what my feelings say.  It will be good again.  It will."  And things did change, slowly.  For a long time I felt that sense of hopelessness and had to daily reject the message.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and also one of the greatest.  Hope became real, because I didn't have to wait to feel something to be true for it to actually be true to me. My feelings no longer dictated reality.  They influenced, but no longer dictated.

And here I am, and I am no longer depressed.  I was right.  My hope was well founded.  What would have happend had I believed my feelings?  I'd be dead, that's what.

This is true for everyone.  Always know that what you feel is real, and is validated.  Then, have the wherewithal to discern whether or not your feelings are lying or telling you the truth.  Rejecting the lie of depression didn't make all other feelings lies.  That's impossible.  In order for love to be real, the feelings of depression had to be a lie.  Praise God they are.  Truth is you or your loved one can feel whole again.  Love is real.  Happiness is real.  Life is good.  People love you.  You are not a burden.  This will pass.  Whether you feel it or not, God is real, and He loves you, so much so that He didn't just stay above it all, but sent His only son to be a part of it.  He saved you and me.  That's the truth, feel it or not.

May God give you the strength to accept then rise above the emotions telling you that life isn't worth living.  May you press on toward the prize, and claim it.  Amen.

Hitting the Play Button in My Heart

Nicholas L. Laning

If you were to ask me when my depression ended, I would say a couple of years ago.  It is hard to give an exact moment, as there wasn't one.  My ascent out of depression was a long one.  It took years.

That said, I am still not untouched by my time in depression.  I find that I am still in this very long recovery process.  Slowly but surely I am becoming whole again.  By whole, I mean healthy.  I still have problems, and I still hurt, but there is healthy, normal hurting, then there is depression.

Something that has happened lately has been a reconnection with my past.  For those of you on the outside, I don't know if this will make sense.  To those of you who have or are battling depression, I think this will resonate.  It is as if my life got put on hold when my depression started.  The Nicholas that once existed almost stopped to be.  Perhaps a sliver remained, but only a sliver.  All in all I was gone.  I'd look in the mirror and see and feel nothing.  Just within the last couple of months I have been feeling the play button being hit on my heart again.  I look in pictures of me as a child and it finally hits me that really is me.  It is the same person.  Those pictures, sensations in my head weren't planted there, they were lived, experienced.  Again, to those of you who think this psychobabble, I am sorry.  It is not.  It is how my mind has dealt with such enormous pain.

It is something I never thought would happen ever again.  I never thought I'd ever connect with that kid in those pictures.  My childhood was lost.  Yes, we change in some ways.  However, I now see that I really am the same person as that kid.  I am not more me now than I was then, nor the other way around.  That was me then, and this is me now.  I am so excited to have those memories come back.  It is like a treasure chest that held me away during the storm is slowly opening up.  I wish it'd hurry up and just open, but it is taking time.  Slowly but surely.

I wanted to write this to encourage those who don't feel themselves, those of you who are staring in the mirror and feel and see nothing.  You feel dead inside.  You don't feel the warmth of your mother's touch, or the strength in your father's words, nor the kindness of a friend, nor beauty.  All are there, just not for you.  They can and will return.  I fought it for ten years straight, and thought I'd never come out the entire time.  I thought I was lost forever.  Yet, here I am writing you this.  It is coming back after a decade of hell and years of recovery.  So take heart!  Fight on!  Be brave, and remember that God is not lofty, far away.  He is here next to us, and came down and took part in all our pain that we might be saved.

John 3:16-20

16 "For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  

17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.  

18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.  

19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.  

20 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.  

21 But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God."

#6: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number six on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Five Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number six:

What to say:
When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.

What NOT to say:
It’s your own fault.

Nicholas L. Laning

I love this one.  "When this is all over, I'll be here and so will you."  I can't remember where it is that I read that the two main driving forces in life were the seeking of goodness, or aversion from pain, but it stuck with me.  When we hurt, what do we want?  To stop hurting.  This is true with any pain.  Let me tell you a secret though, it is even more powerful for depression.  

Recall that one of the facets of depression is an unrelenting, overwhelming, involuntary negativity.  Depressed people cannot help it.  Their brains have, for whatever reason, turned on them, so to speak.  Everything that comes to mind is automatically turned to the negative.  You can be as optimistic as you want.  You can tell yourself all is great.  You can exhaust yourself finding the silver lining mentally.  In the end, you still feel like it is all terrible, useless, awful, pointless, etc.  

Believing that it will end is one of the most powerful tools for overcoming depression.  One of the biggest turning points in my battle was when I finally decided that I was going to believe it was going to end, no matter how I felt, no matter how much the depression tried to make me feel hopeless and trapped.  Slowly but surely things started to change.  

"But Nicholas, I myself struggle to believe it will end."  

Then change your mind right now.  Hear me.  Your loved one needs you to believe they are going to get better.  My mom was completely unrelenting on this point.  She kept saying it, "You will get better.  Just be strong, and it will end."  I would argue, "You don't know that."  She would say, "No, but I believe it with all my heart.  I just know you'll be okay.  It is going to end."  The more she said this the better.  Take whatever skepticism you have and stuff it.  Don't leave it to a person who is depressed to be the only one trying to the belief that they will be okay.  Talk about a bad idea.

Quickly, I also just like the reiteration, "I'll be here and so will you."  It may sound redundant to say, "so will you," after you said, "when this is over," but that's okay.  They need to hear that they are going to be back, that they will be redeemed and restored.  Use those two words frequently, by the way.

Again, this can only be said with a complete ignorance of what depression is.  Would you tell a woman her period is her fault?  What about when someone gets the flu?  What about kidney stones.

"Lisa, you know what, I am tired of your attitude, and I am sick and tired of hearing about this period.  It's your own fault you are like this, now get it together."  

"Ugh, Mike, I am sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you.  Get your act together.  Those kidney stones are your own dang fault."

Anyone else cringe?  Anyone?  It's bad, right?  How dumb is this?  Truth is, maybe you did do something that was a part of why you got depressed, cancer, the flu, kidney stones, whatever.  However, it still isn't your fault.  People don't give themselves cancer.  Perhaps they smoked too much, or ate poorly, or whatever, but lots of people do that and don't get cancer.  Lots of people have casual sex.  Not everyone that does gets and STD.  Same with kidney stones.  There are certain things that my uncle cannot intake without getting kidney stones.  He gets them all the time.  I can intake those things that would give him kidney stones and be just fine.  

So it is with depression.  Lots of people drink too much.  Yet, only some get hit with depression.  Everybody deals with loss of loved ones.  No one is above it.  Yet, not everyone gets thrown into depression over it.  Just like any disease, it hits some and not others.

Nothing outside set mine off.  I was fine.  I loved life.  One day I came home from High School, plopped my backpack on my bed, and wham!  Just like that, everything changed.  Torment entered me like I had never known, and it stayed inside me for ten years.  I still have no clue as to why.  It just did.

I know it is hard to understand.  It is such a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.  If you are reading this, then you are trying, and that says something!  

We cannot change our own hearts.  But, the Holy Spirit can.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for understanding, and I believe God will answer your prayer.  He will move you closer to the one you love who is struggling so.  I believe it!

Proverbs 2:2-6

2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;  

3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,  

4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.   

6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;

There's a Certain Kind of Pain That Can Numb You

Imagine looking into the face of someone whose face has been mangled by fire, a shadow of its former visage.  The pain of that fire is long gone.  No longer is the heat felt.  The moment of that torment has passed.

Yet, the scars themselves bring their own pain.  Being reminded isn't even the hardest part.  We move forward.  No, this scar is ever present.  It affects every day of that person's life.  No one will look at them the same.  Even if people don't mind, the person with the scar will.  They will never feel quite whole, quite right. 

If burned deeply enough, strong enough, there can be a complete loss of sensation in the skin.  Numbness can be it's own torment.  

This is how I feel.  I don't think about my depression much, unless I am trying to write for the Abyssic.  However, it is the scar of my depression that hurts me now.  Simply put, I can't feel the same as I used to.  It's like I've been burned too deeply, and can't feel quite how I did before.  I bump into things, and know I should have felt something, but it's all just kind of numb.  

And that's okay.


All I can do is move forward in faith.  Confession, I don't always have faith.  At times, like this past week, I am just angry.  I don't always remember my place.  I am not always thankful.  The gospel is not fresh in my mind.  I feel entitled and rebellious.  At times, I am downright mean and spiteful toward God for my inability to feel whole, to feel right.  There are times when I take my hope to other things.  I think, "maybe lust will satisfy," of "maybe just doing whatever I want."  Only, I have given into both of those so much, I know they leave you dry.  Their promise is a lie.

It is my prayer that God would continue to renew my heart, that he would heal it.  If not, then I pray that He would give me the strength and faithfulness to overcome the pain left by those scars.  To God be all glory.

As always, my hope and intent with confession is to encourage through the shared experience of living life in pursuit of Christ, both the ups and the downs.

I Thessalonians 5: 23-24

23 Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

24 He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Homesick

Play the song, and read the lyrics.  I'll continue below.

 

I lose some sales

and my boss won't be happy

but I can't stop listening to the sound

of two soft voices blended in perfection

from the reels of this record that I found

every day there's a boy in the mirror

asking me

what are you doing here

finding all my previous motives

growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges

I believed as soon as I hit land

all the other

options held before me

will wither in the light of my plan

so I lose some sales

and my boss won't be happy

but there's only one thing on my mind

searching boxes underneath the counter

on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for

someone who needs somewhere

to long for

homesick

cause I no longer know

where home is

Nicholas L. Laning

Those last few words, "homesick, cause I no longer know, where home is," are some of the greatest lyrics ever.  So simple, yet so powerful.  The idea of being homesick, not because home is out there and you are separated from it, but because it has been lost inside yourself.  It has broken my heart many times, but it flat out devastated me in the midst of my depression.  

One of the most powerfully terrible sensations was being around my parents and not feeling their "parentness" any longer.  No longer could I feel the essence of my mother or father.  I recall moments where I stared into their eyes as I spoke to them, searching for what was once there.  My soul had been lost to the abyss.  The idea of home was gone, not because home ceased to exist, but because I ceased to exist.  

Every morning, when I got ready for the day, I would find myself in front of the mirror and just stare.  My brow would furrow.  My focus would sharpen, going form pupil to pupil trying to see if that day, I could find anything in there.  It took eight years before little bits of me started showing up, before I started to show up.  

Every now and then, as I am cruising down the road, especially if I am driving over one of the many massive clover leaf overpasses that connect our main thoroughfares here in Dallas, I recall what it felt like to drive for the first time.  Something I now often loathe was once absolutely wonderful.  It is in that same vain that I now must stop, look in the mirror, and not take for granted that I can see myself, that I can feel the essence of my father and mother, that my heart might be thankful.  Even still, I am not home.  I am still homesick.  Read below to see where home is.

JOHN 14:1-7

1 "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 

2 In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 

3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and WILL TAKE YOU TO MYSELF, THAT WHERE I AM YOU MAY BE ALSO. (emphasis mine)

4 And you know the way to where I am going."  

5 Thomas said to him, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?"  

6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  

7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him."

 I added that emphasis in verse three because I have heard this verse a ton throughout life, and the emphasis has always been on the house, on the rooms.  We still just want Jesus' stuff, God's stuff, but our home isn't that house, it is Him.  One day, if we are His, He will bring us home.  He will bring us to Himself.  Amen.

from the shores of the Abyss: a mother's view

This, too, is my first post - actually almost my first ever post. So be kind! I am Nicholas's mother. It is impossible to cover 10 years in a post so I want to begin with that first day. My precious son came home from high school and collapsed into my arms weeping and sobbing that there was something terribly wrong. My heart leapt, my imagination ran wild - but I never could have guessed that I was about to spend the next ten years in the greatest struggle of my life. At first I thought - this too shall pass- but when he not only did not improve but became more -humm -there are no words for what he became -despondent is as close as I can get. Then I thought something had happened to Nicholas to cause this emotional collapse (one rarely recognizes the problem as depression from the beginning and I was no exception). Maybe someone attacked him, or ridiculed him -the suppositions were endless! I just held him in my arms - both of us were weeping and I was scared. As a mom I felt I should be able to fix any and everything - but - I did not even know where to start. I was helpless - the only place to go was to Jesus Christ my Lord. I tried to console Nicholas and to pray - pray HARD! It was a long journey but in my next post I will tell about the words the Lord gave me to cling onto until Nicholas was healed! Everyday was a journey and still is but God gave us hope at the start and He has rescued us from the Abyss.