Post-Depression Life: Returning from Nam

-->

Photo by: Alfred Eisenstaedt

When World War II ended the country went nuts with euphoria.  Almost everyone associated with the war was revered.  Heck, to this day we are still saying thank you and still revere those men who fought in WWII. 

Then there is Vietnam.  The soldiers returning from Nam were not only not met with parades and congratulations, but disdain.  People didn’t understand the war they fought.  It wasn’t as clear cut in their minds as WWII, which had a Lord of the Rings like quality, with dark lord taking over the world and all.  People doubted the battle taking place in Nam.  The mission was murky.  Where as the vision of those who fought in WWII was of this sparkling American hero, clean-shaven, articulate, and ready to help an old lady cross the street, those who fought in Nam were seen as hobos with machine guns. 

The effect of this perception cut deep both ways.  Where it was a boon for many who served in WWII, it crippled many who fought in Nam.  There are countless movies and books chronicling this.  

I hate to say it, but “coming home” from depression is like coming home from Nam, not WWII.  I used to look at how people treated those who survived other dreaded diseases and I would envy.  Almost any other disease that is battled and survived is met with sympathy and congratulations.  Not so with depression.  You will get more sympathy and congratulations defeating a cold than you will depression, even though depression a trillion times more awful.  

You see, just like with Nam, people don’t understand the battle.  Heck, many don’t even believe it is a real battle.  You just need to get over it.  Even those who do believe it is real on some level, struggle to comprehend it (and rightly so).  Thus, sympathy is difficult.  They cannot relate.  They don’t really see the danger.  On some level, they are going to wonder why you can’t just stop being that way, even though they never once would think such a thing about you if you had the flu or cancer.  No one looks at someone with the flu, gets upset, and says, “Stop it!  Just stop it!  Get it together!  Pull yourself out of this!”  They will with depression, underlying their ignorance of what depression is.  (Reminder: do not judge people for being ignorant on this.  I can say that I would probably be the exact same way had I not been forced to see it first hand, and I would bet you would too.  So, be understanding.)  

The effect that this can have on you once you are out is just like that of those returning to battle.  It can be incredibly deflating to have just won the greatest victory of your life, to win the battle of a lifetime, and to have no one care.  They will never know how much you have done for them, how many times you wanted to end it but didn’t, not for your sake, but theirs.  They will never grasp your affection for them.  They will not see it as a sacrifice.  They will see you return to health, and they won’t feel pride of what you have achieved.  They will probably, in fact, tell you to hide your victory, and never tell anyone for fear of the stigma that will follow.  AND, sadly, there is wisdom in that.  What they will feel is just relief that you are no longer acting as you once were, that you are healthy again. 

What you have to do is let it go that your victory is not going to be seen for what it really is.  No parties.  Just relief.  You cannot let this keep you down.  And here is why.  I know of your victory.  Your brothers and sisters who have struggled with depression know it.  Most of all, God knows.  

1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Hebrews 4:13 (ESV)

And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Your victory will be remembered by God, and His memory is flawless and eternal.  

So, prepare yourself for what is to come, and don’t let it get you down, at least not for long.  Don’t let other people’s perception weigh on you.  Remember, they just don’t know, and that’s okay.  Depression is hard to understand even when you have gone through it.  I don’t blame those who haven’t for not getting it.  I know my victory.  I know what God has accomplished in me.  I know that God knows what I’ve been through, and smiles on me for the things I did well, for keeping on fighting.  Life is good.  The victory is won.  Your day is coming too.

#8: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number eight on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Seven Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number eight:

What to say:
I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.

What NOT to say:
I think your depression is a way of punishing us.

Nicholas L. Laning

Is this not a fear we have anyway?  Of being left or abandoned?  Add in the confusion, the stigma, the uncontrollable negativity that comes with depression, and you can just imagine how much this plagues the soul of your depressed loved one.  Chances are they have reached out to others, maybe not wholly, but in some way, and have been rejected.  

The hard part of this is that you can be near someone and abandon them.  We see it marriage, where the spouse is physically present, but no longer emotionally engaged.  This is true with depression.  It isn't enough to be simply be physically present.   You must also be emotionally engaged.  That doesn't mean feel what they feel.  You feel what you feel, which, if you love someone and they hurt, should include hurting for them. 

Also, there is this weird conundrum that follows loving someone.  When you love someone you trust them.  So, you can be tempted to leave things unspoken as a means to almost honor or cherish your closeness.  "We are so close, that we don't have to say it to know that we love each other."  This may be true to a degree, but love needs to be reiterated everyday.  We need to hear it.  Silence leaves room for struggle.  It is in that silence that temptation grows.  Doesn't it?  Am I wrong?  Is it not the mystery that usually drives the believing of lies?

Express your love and involvement, and do it often.  Don't leave room for lies to form in the mind of someone whose mind is being attacked by uncontrollable negativity.  

I'll never forget my brother sharing his process of coming to grips with the reality of depression.  Towards the end of my battle with depression, he shared with me that for the first year or so of my depression he didn't believe that I was in fact depressed.  Not only did he not sympathize with me, he resented me.  He was angry with me because he thought that my depression was an act.  In his mind, depression was fake, merely an emotional play, a grab for attention.  

In his mind, he had always been able to overcome his moods.  So, everyone else should be able to as well.  Therefore, if I was continuously acting depressed, then I was doing something to myself.  I was choosing to sit in a mood that I could in fact overcome.  If I was choosing to do this, and it was hurting our family to see me do it, then I was punishing them.  I was self-centered beyond belief.

Only, that's just not true.  I will continue with the same analogy I have been using all along to show how ridiculous this is.  Depression is a disease, and you don't choose it.  Can you imagine your loved one having cancer, and you saying, "John, just stop it!  Stop having cancer!  I feel like you're punishing us with this cancer!"

If you think it is different then you are wrong.  Depression is no more brought on personally than cancer is.  Perhaps someone smoked, and cancer resulted, but is that the same as choosing to have cancer?  No.  And you would never say that to someone.  It is so incredibly self centered it is unbelievable.  It is self-centered in about ten ways.  To think that someone's utter and complete misery is about YOU!?  Really?!  

I don't want to condescend.  I am the worst.  I have been guilty of this.  That is why I can say it with such fire, because I was extremely self-centered in my rejection of depression before I got slapped upside the head with it.  So, I am right there with you.  That doesn't make it any less stupid.  It just means I am stupid too.

Pray that your heart would be open.  Keep soft, and be willing to be wrong.  It's not only okay, but a fact, that we are all wrong about a lot.  We are human.  Fortunately, you can rest in the knowledge that a perfect God is there when you are not for your loved one.  That same God is there to strengthen you.  God changes hearts.  If you are struggling to believe, pray that he will change yours so that you can be what you need to for your loved one.  I am praying for you as I write this. 

Homesick

Play the song, and read the lyrics.  I'll continue below.

 

I lose some sales

and my boss won't be happy

but I can't stop listening to the sound

of two soft voices blended in perfection

from the reels of this record that I found

every day there's a boy in the mirror

asking me

what are you doing here

finding all my previous motives

growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges

I believed as soon as I hit land

all the other

options held before me

will wither in the light of my plan

so I lose some sales

and my boss won't be happy

but there's only one thing on my mind

searching boxes underneath the counter

on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for

someone who needs somewhere

to long for

homesick

cause I no longer know

where home is

Nicholas L. Laning

Those last few words, "homesick, cause I no longer know, where home is," are some of the greatest lyrics ever.  So simple, yet so powerful.  The idea of being homesick, not because home is out there and you are separated from it, but because it has been lost inside yourself.  It has broken my heart many times, but it flat out devastated me in the midst of my depression.  

One of the most powerfully terrible sensations was being around my parents and not feeling their "parentness" any longer.  No longer could I feel the essence of my mother or father.  I recall moments where I stared into their eyes as I spoke to them, searching for what was once there.  My soul had been lost to the abyss.  The idea of home was gone, not because home ceased to exist, but because I ceased to exist.  

Every morning, when I got ready for the day, I would find myself in front of the mirror and just stare.  My brow would furrow.  My focus would sharpen, going form pupil to pupil trying to see if that day, I could find anything in there.  It took eight years before little bits of me started showing up, before I started to show up.  

Every now and then, as I am cruising down the road, especially if I am driving over one of the many massive clover leaf overpasses that connect our main thoroughfares here in Dallas, I recall what it felt like to drive for the first time.  Something I now often loathe was once absolutely wonderful.  It is in that same vain that I now must stop, look in the mirror, and not take for granted that I can see myself, that I can feel the essence of my father and mother, that my heart might be thankful.  Even still, I am not home.  I am still homesick.  Read below to see where home is.

JOHN 14:1-7

1 "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 

2 In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 

3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and WILL TAKE YOU TO MYSELF, THAT WHERE I AM YOU MAY BE ALSO. (emphasis mine)

4 And you know the way to where I am going."  

5 Thomas said to him, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?"  

6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  

7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him."

 I added that emphasis in verse three because I have heard this verse a ton throughout life, and the emphasis has always been on the house, on the rooms.  We still just want Jesus' stuff, God's stuff, but our home isn't that house, it is Him.  One day, if we are His, He will bring us home.  He will bring us to Himself.  Amen.