Job 42:12-17
12
The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.
He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of
oxen and a thousand donkeys.
13
And he also had seven sons and three daughters.
14
The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.
15
Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's
daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with
their brothers.
16
After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.
17
And so he died, old and full of years.
Again and again, the same scenario played itself out in my
life whilst depressed. Some song,
such as Coldplay’s Fix You perhaps, would be blaring through the speakers of my
car, sparking my recurring fantasy.
Though the means always changed, whether it be a hidden tumor, some rare
disease, some pill, being struck by lighting, or simply just hitting my head,
the end result of my fantasy was the same… healing. I would go from my state of horrific, torturous emotional
paralysis and involuntary negativity, and would return again to a normal
heart. The lightning would strike,
BAM, and somehow, as if by magic, the hell would be over. I would be alive again. I would look in the mirror and see
myself. Not just the physical
body, but me. I would feel me, and
everyone around me. I would be
normal, whole again.
Some five years have gone since my depression subsided. It has been absolutely wonderful to no
longer be under the thumb of such torment. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude, joy, and excitement
over no longer “living” as I once was forced to. However, it has looked little like my fantasy.
One of my best friends just had half of his liver taken out
after they found a cancerous mass in it.
As of right now, it looks like he is going to survive completely. There is great hope that the surgery
was the last of it, that the cancer is gone. Praise God!
However, things will never ever be the same for him. The surgery may have saved his life,
but it also left him with an enormous scar. He will carry it for the rest of his life. Not only that, but that surgery was
painful, and so is the recovery process.
Think about that for a moment. Even the process by which healing came hurt, still
hurts, and will leave it’s mark on him, both in body and in spirit. His life will never be as it was. Every doctor’s visit will be met with a
hint of fear of recurrence. Every
decision made form here on out will be made through a lens of cancer. Can I eat this? Should I do that? Can I drink this? The doctors have given him a list of
new guidelines by which he will have to follow in order to ensure he continues. He will live every single day with the
fear of recurrence in his mind.
Over time that fear will be assuaged, but at each occurrence of his body
acting up, the fear of recurrence will jump straight to mind. He may live to be ninety, and never
have cancer ever again. He will still
live with the residual scars of it until the day he dies.
Guys and girls, so it is with depression. In my fantasy, the catalyst would come
and wake me up. Life would go back
to the way it was. The truth is
that there is no going back. I
know what they may make you feel.
I know that hurts you. That
is not my intent. There is life, love,
hope, and goodness on the other side.
It is just going to be different than your life was before. Life is still good for my friend, but
it has changed. My desire is to
give you so much hope, but a hope based on what is real. I want you to thrive in your
post-depression life, and that means not being set up for disappointment by not
being told what is true.
Like my friend with his cancer, you will have to change
things in order to live fully, things others may not. You will have
scars, big ones. There will be an
enormous healing process that goes on long after you are depression free. Your mind and heart has been twisted by
pain. That doesn’t come undone
overnight. It takes faith, hope,
love, courage, patience and much more.
You will live the rest of your life with a fear of recurrence. Over time it will get better, but it
will always be there.
Now, go back up and read that passage on Job again. Feel the hope in those words. One of the most famous sufferers of all time. So famous is his suffering we are speaking of it thousands of years later! After his suffering, Job was given back what was taken. Now, at first look we just get excited. With further thought it hits us that what was taken from him was people. His children died. Are those people replaceable? You know they aren't. Nobody is replaceable. You can refill an emptied roll, but you cannot replace a person. Job was blessed. His life was good! However, it was not the same ever again. He was given new life.
So will you be given new life. It's not that what was disappears completely. There will always be links to who you were. Our lives are a whole, not just of the moment. You are no more you now than you were in the past. You will simply grow and change. It is only logical. Let’s start looking at what is ahead, after you are
healed. Let's let go of the parts of the fantasy that are not real... the instant healing, the return to your old life one hundred percent, the miracle pill, and replace it with the truth. You are in the fight for your life, and even after depression is defeated, your healing will take a long time. In some ways (some bad, but some GOOD) you will be forever changed. You will have new insights into the world. You will have experienced and survived a torture and torment that is daunting. In many ways I struggle with feeling like a failure, as most of us do. I have not achieved much of what I wanted. However, when I reflect genuinely upon what I have come through, when I remember the true depth of the hell I survived, I know that I have already achieved something great. Every breath, every wondrous emotion, every time I feel love, sadness, wholeness, it is a victory I once thought impossible. Most people will never know it, and that's okay. God knows. He knows my pain, my struggle. It has not been lost, nor forgotten. Nor has yours. Nor has yours.
