Defining Depression

Just like any one word, the word "depression" is limited.  Those limitations can affect what we think, whether we like it or not.  When we hear the word "depression", I wonder a few things.  I wonder if naming something out of the ordinary something we can ordinarily feel, if we are not unintentionally making light of the truth about depression.  No wonder people think that depression is just a persistent feelings of sadness.  It is nothing of the sort.  There is no common emotion to link it to.  If you haven't felt it, then you have no way to relate.  It is it's own thing.

That is why I wan to try and help define it, as best I can.  I am no professional, just a guy trying to help.  Hopefully these definitions will be just that.  Hopefully they will comfort.

One is this: Extreme Involuntary Cynicism.   When depressed, there is a cynicism that overtakes you.  It is unwelcome, and incessant.  If you could hear a depressed persons thoughts, they might sound something like this...

I wonder how my mom is doing? 

Why?

Because she's my mom?

So?  Who cares?  That doesn't matter.

Are you f@#$ing kidding?  Mother's are special!  Important!

Why?  Life sucks right?

Yeah.

And she gave you life?

Yeah.

Then she is awful!  You should hate her!  How awful to have ever been born.  She is nothing!  Nothing!  You are nothing!  You are here in the cold all because of her!  Why would you love her?  Why would you love?  What is love?  Does love exist?  Does anything exist beyond the pain?  NO!  

STOP!  STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOP IT!   AAAHHHHH!

It is as if your own brain is out to destroy everything beautiful and good.  You get to a point to where you try to hide things from your brain.  You try to not think of them.  Maybe if you can keep this good thing, or that good thing in the recesses, your mangled mind won't be able to dismember and disfigure them.  It is torture.

Another part of depression, is the Extreme Emotional Numbness.  This numbness is frustrating to explain, because it hurts.  I used to talk about the pain, then say I was numb, and people would hammer me for sounding hypocritical.  It was almost like they were saying, "Aha!  Gotcha!  I knew it was a lie!  You can't even get your story straight!" 

Here's the thing.  There is a song by Nickel Creek called Hanging By A Thread.  One of the lines goes like this, "There's a certain kind of pain, that can numb you, there's a certain kind of emptiness, that can fill you up."  It is true.  Extreme numbness hurts.  Just apply the idea of numbness to something else.

Think about a paraplegic.  They are numb all over.  Is that not painful in it's own way?  Does the lack of ability to move not madden?  Frustrate?  It is torture to have legs and not be able to move them.  Now, imagine knowing you once felt, and can now no longer feel, anything but his pain you've never felt before.  No happiness.  Zero.  No comfort.  No love.  No sadness even, as sadness is linked to love.  Just emotional pain coming in from the abyss.  We call it depression, but it is surely its own beast.  You live off of the memory of love, the memory of happiness, and just beg that it will one day return.

Hopefully that is of some help.  Hopefully that makes it more clear.  Feel free to tell me what you think, to discuss with me.  Post a comment below.  You don't have to sign in, just select anonymous.  You can sign your name in the comment itself.  Keep fighting.

Too Little Exercise, Too Much TV = ?

Nicholas L. Laning

Reuters just published a story about how a new study shows that Too little exercise, too much TV tied to depression.  Click on either of the links, and give article a quick read.  The study is expansive, having surveyed over 50,000 people over a period of fourteen years.  So, this is not one of those studies where they asked ten people and found that one or two who watched TV and didn't exercise were sad.

This is huge item of talk for both those suffering with depression, and those loved ones trying to understand and help.  Why?  Well, because, what do people want to do when they are depressed?  The answer is, usually, to sit around and watch TV, and not to exercise.

Now, this article isn't about exercising.  You can read the Reuters article to hear that, and they have all the cool facts to help you out.  What I want to talk about is this... depressed people need to do the small things they can to win, both for themselves, and for those trying to help.  We as humans, will usually just wallow in self pity.  We will take our very real struggle, our very real pain, and we will hide in it.  The less pity others give, the more we are likely to give it ourselves.  So, what happens is that we don't do the few things that can help us.  We don't want to drive over to talk to a counselor.  We don't want to take vitamins, even though they can help.  We don't want to work out, even though that helps.  We don't want to eat well.  We want to take our pain and blast it away with the momentary high of sugar on our tongues.

I would know, I used to buy a bag of Smarties, unroll them all, and pour them into a hug cup, and eat them out of the cup (no, not all at once, but still).  I would eat Krispy Kremes by the half dozen, or occasionally, the dozen.  I didn't workout because I wanted to sleep.  Working out seemed tiring, both physically and emotionally.  So, I got fat.  I got up to 260 pounds!  To give you some perspective, I now weigh 170, and still a have little bit covering my chiseled abs. (wink)  Now then, being fat made me what?  You guessed it, more depressed.  I watched a ton of TV and played tons of video games.  I dare not say how many hours, for fear you would shun me forever.  Apart from messing with my brain chemistry and my hormones, I had no social life, no friends, which, again, made me more depressed!  See the pattern?  My mom told me to try St. John's Wort, which is an herb, or to take Omega 3 pills.  Did I?  Nooooooooo.

Here's the thing.  That was stupid.  I did finally do those things toward the end, and guess what?  They all helped make me feel better.  Did they heal me themselves?  No.  Did they help enormously though?  Yes.  Very much so.  Not only was I hurting myself, but I hurt those around me.  I eroded their trust in me, that I was a fighter.  I was signalling to all those who loved me, that I had given up.  There were stupidly simple steps to take to help me fight, and I did almost none of them.  Then, I had the gall to get upset when there was no one around to help fight, as if people who aren't depressed have some inexhaustible fountain of hope.  They don't.  They are hurting too.  They are fighting with you.  Their soul is crumpled and crinkled from battle too.  So, wake up, and do the things you need to do, not only to help your body and soul fight the Abyss, but to help your loved ones from being drug into it with you.  Keep on fighting!

Romans 12:12 ESV

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Quick Reminder: Life Above Emotion

Nicholas L. Laning

Feelings come and go.  They are very important, and ultimately, define.  BUT, in any given moment, or in your case, such as it was with me, for even a season, your emotions can lie.  They can tell you things that are simply not true, and we want with all our might to have them align with the truth.  We lean on them.  We trust them.  We want to give into them.  In depression and anxiety your entire emotional existence will be a lie, and you just have to fight it.  You have to do what few humans are capable of doing... live against your emotions for an extended period of time, without crushing them.  They are going to making you feel like no one loves you.  No one cares.  Even if they care, you shouldn't because everything is stupid (although you'll remember a time when this wasn't true.)  Cling to the truth.  You can get well.  Your emotions will never align one hundred percent, they never have.  Yet, they can be normal again.  You can love life again.  Just keep fighting my brother.  Keep fighting my sister.  Keep fighting! 

2 Corinthians 1:7 ESV  

Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

 

P.S. Yes, the song is meant to be tongue in cheek.

Too Much Sleep, No Sleep, Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. Both are miserable.

Nicholas L. Laning

Sleep is so important.  I have been reminded of this these last few nights, as I have been sleeping on the sofa in the living room, all because one of neighbors has been listening to their music during all hours of the night.  The incessant bump and thump of bass has kept me deprived of sleep.  It has been miserable, especially since I sleep well, thank God!

That wasn't always the case.  Sleep is one of the first things to be messed with when depression comes.  Usually, at first, you will sleep all the time, and I do mean ALL THE TIME.  Bears could learn a thing or two about hibernation from depressed people.  The reason of the massive amounts of sleep is simple... it is the most effective, peaceful way to pass the time.  When awake, the crushing torture of the Abyss torments, making life unbearable.  Yet, when asleep, something happens.  I remember that, in my dreams, I felt normal.  I could feel things I was unable to whilst awake.  So, it seems an obvious choice.  It easy to run and hide.

The problem is that sleeping all the time will not bring you out of depression, which is the goal.  It can impede.  It is kind of like being told not to scratch an itch in order for a rash to heal.  Your emotions are yearning to just scratch the itch, because it itches dang it!  But, doing so only impedes true healing.  So it is with oversleeping and depression.  No one ever slept there way out of depression.  No one.  Life will go on.  Your friends will be doing stuff, and when you see all of that, your depression will become exacerbated by your loneliness.

Somewhere along the way, anxiety usually joins the depression in the battle to crush you.  When this happens, sleep habits shift dramatically.  Where you once slept fifteen plus hours a day, you now sleep three, if you're lucky.  Red-eyed and puffy-faced, everyone begins to ask if you are okay.  You sit in your room, alone, and play video games or guitar or whatever obsession you have thrown yourself at to occupy your tormented mind.  It is in the deep, dark, lonely nights where the misery of anxiety and depression is the strongest.  I have already told you that I never seriously considered committing suicide, but that I longed for death greatly.  Something I have never shared was how I used to take my 45, unload it, and just hold it, wishing it was okay to do it, to pull the trigger, wishing there was excuse.  That's when that constant audience, the faces of everyone I have ever loved sat in my mind.

If you have never seen the movie 127 Hours, do so.  It is a great movie.  In it, this idea is depcited just how I see it.  In the main characters moments of struggle, when he is fighting to survive, we see his friends and family all standing there in his mind, a constant presence pushing him to keep on.  If you are on the outside looking in, you need to know this.  You need to know that you are someone else's constant audience, pushing them forward, onward through the dark, sleepless nights of the Abyss.  1 Corinthians 13:8 "Love never ends".

Both extremes hurt.  If you are depressed and or fighting anxiety, keep on fighting.  You are not alone.  There are millions in the same fight.  You can overcome.  Through the grace of God, I have overcome, and so have many others I have talked to.  Victory is real.  Praise God in the midst of your pain.  What an amazing thing to be able to say, "Praise God" in the midst of pain, just as Paul did in prison.

If you love someone who is depressed, be aware of these two extremes, and learn to find the balance between affording them grace in the middle of their struggle, but also knowing that there comes a time to show some tough love, and drag your friend out of bed, and go work out, or some light socialization that won't completely overwhelm.  It is a hazy line, and mistakes will be made, but that's okay.  Love covers over those mistakes.  Speaking of love, 1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."  Live it.