It isn't the same as depression.  The magnitude of my pain is nothing in comparison, to what it was in depression, nor what you are feeling if you are depressed.  Still, the lesson learned is one learned through the fire of depression, and still has to be applied.

The lesson is that you cannot always follow your emotions.  As in most things, we humans jump to extremes, as they are easier to define than balance.  Balance takes testing and discipline.  It is easy if your desire is just to tip the scale.   At some time in our lives, usually when we are young, we trust our emotions too much.  We feel something, and therefore think that feeling must be some omen, must be truth.  That's why children will sit at the edge of the pool and scream when their dad tries to get them to jump in.  They may be able to, on some level, see that Dad's got it, but there is this fear, and the fear trumps rationality. 

We do this with love even as adults.  Our hearts feel love for something, someone, and come hell or high water, we don't just believe that it is pleasurable, but right.  We justify marrying someone we are incompatible with, adultery, homosexuality, pedophilia, and more.  It feel so right, how can it be wrong?  Well, it can, and we know it.

For many of us, somewhere along the way, we become so hurt, so disgusted with where our emotions have led us, that we reject them.  Where they were once wholly true, never to be denied, now they are never to be trusted.  They are to be pushed aside, overcome.  The mind is where it is.  Then, we end up hurting even more, as one can do great damage to their ability to emote if they put their mind to it.  If you are depressed, then you know this all too well.  You are probably dying to figure out how to get the emotions back, the affection, heck even normal sadness would be bliss, anything but this grey abyss. 

The truth is that emotions are like most things.  They can help or hinder.  The same car that can get you to work can kill you.  The same knife that you use to cut your steak can take life.  Food is needed for life, but without restraint will kill you.  Heck, even too much water can kill you.  So it is with emotions. 

The beautiful part about them not being extremes is that tells us that they are apart of us, our living hearts.  They cannot be systematically placed.  We have to feel them out (no pun intended, honestly) and weigh them against the context of everything else we know.  Some times they are meant to be followed.  They can tell us things otherwise not gained.  Sometimes, we have to overcome them.  We have to plug the ears in our hearts and wait it out with wisdom. 

So it is with me today.  For some reason, I just feel not so right.  Something is off, and I can't tell what.   It is that mystery that is so annoying, so cloying in my soul.  Yet, it is one of those cases where I must trust God, keep loving Him and His people, and listen. 

Right this moment, I am sending out a prayer for you who are reading this who are still fighting depression.  I pray that you will open your heart up to the need for balance, that you will chance it with a spirit of discernment and wisdom, that you would also know when the emotions you feel are not to be followed.  This is most likely going to be the norm.  I pray that you will reject those thoughts that accompany the negative emotions of depression and anxiety, and that you will cling if but to the slightest memory you have of what is true and good.  Amen.

The Switchboard

It is funny how talking things out can open your mind, isn`t it? The simple act of taking the internal, and trying to make it external can bring about amazing clarity. Last night I was trying to explain my struggle to Kathleen, and in that process, clarity came unexpectedly.

I was trying to explain how my heart struggles. Here is how I put it. It is as if there is the great battle being waged between my subconscious and my conscious. From my perspective, this isn`t shocking. The difference is that it seems as if most people have a subconscious that is busy connecting, easy to latch on to others, too quick really.

This is what i see, and hear, and how I felt before my depression. My heart was dying to connect, to latch on. Meanwhile, my conscious efforts were all spent on trying to tame the flames growing in my heart. Does this sound right? As I said, it is an observation. I could be totally wrong. For example, with friends, my heart was all too ready to attach. This eager attachment caused heart ache sometimes, as it impairs your wisdom. Your heart feels without reason, and you pounce, sometimes foolishly. We have all done this.

Now, it is my new heart that works the opposite. Ever since my depression, it is as if my heart were a switchboard, and my subconscious is running around yanking out all of the connections as fast as it can. Meanwhile, I spend all my time consciously fostering those connections, plugging them in as fast as I can. The fight isn`t fair though. My subconscious knows what is going on up top, but not the other way around. It is like fighting a war against an enemy that has an updated version of your battle plan, and you have but clues to piece everything together.

Suffice it to say that it will only be by the Holy Spirit that my heart is fully returned. There have been seasons, times, where I have had my heart made full. It is those moments that keep me going, that help me to fight off the lies that say that I will never again be whole, that this is the new reality. I really do have hope in Christ, that even after all of this time, it is surely not too late, that there is much to hope in. I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1 ESV) But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:25 ESV)