Does God Hate Me?

Nicholas L. Laning

Does God hate me?  Most of us, if not all of us, have wondered this, usually when things are going rough, when things aren't going our way.  We see the signs of difficulty in our life as a form of rejection.  It is as if we are being smote for our lack of whatever it is we think we lack.  

Depression surely magnifies this.  When I was depressed, I struggled mightily with this notion, and those whom I have counseled most definitely did as well.  "So great is the pain, so vast is the torment, that either there is no God, or surely that God despises me wholly," is the thinking.  Unfortunately, outsiders reiterate this sentiment often.  "You're struggling because... (fill in with some sort of deficiency on your part to please God)."  

The question is... is this true?  Does God really hate me?  Is that why I am depressed?  

If we want to know the answer, we cannot answer it by simply checking our feelings.  If I want to know what Abraham Lincoln thought, I don't ask myself, "What do I feel like Lincoln would have said?"  I go read what Lincoln actually said.  So, let's not trust in our feelings overly much.  They are incredibly important, your feelings are, but they are also not always to be trusted.  Importance and trustworthiness are two different things.  Let is look to what God has told us, that we might find the truth about what God says.

Don't skip these!  Read them!

James 1:13-15

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.  

14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Okay, let's see what God just said.  He says he isn't the one tempting, not EVER.  It says he CANNOT, not that He is physically weak, but that it is against His nature to do so.  

If you are unfamiliar with the story, you can read Job to this work out.  Job was considered blameless in God's sight when Satan asked God for permission to tempt Job.  God allowed it.  This may anger you.  Why would God allow a blameless man to be put through so much pain?  

I don't know, not fully.  I have theories, but they are just that.  What I know is that God is not some mean distant God who is up on high laughing and toying with us.  God became man, became a part of the pain, and lived a perfect life, then was tortured beyond what we can imagine.  Not only was Christ tortured by the whip and by crucifixion, but also by the outpouring of God's wrath.  So, you may hate that God allows pain, but you can't call Him distant.  You cannot think him a snob.  He went through hell (literally, not metaphorically) to show you how much he loves you.


One more piece of scripture.  

Romans 8:1 

1 There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Read it!  There is what?  NOW no condemnation...  not then, not later, now.  If you are saved, then you are no longer condemned.  Your depression is not a punishment.  You are not being smote by God.  It has nothing to do with Him being angry at you.  For, if you are saved, then God, when asked about your sin, looks and sees Christ in your stead... right now.  

The hope of the gospel is for those who are depressed as well.  You are not being pushed away.  You are not being hated.  You are being tried, tested, yes, but not hated.  There is a difference.  When you want someone to grow, there is always trial to growth.  God wants you to be strong, for you to grow, and depression can sharpen you.  I am sure you hate hearing this.  You may want to feel you have an excuse to be mad at God, a right to be upset at Him, but you don't.  Sorry.  Being angry at God will accomplish nothing.  Instead, know the truth and don't trust your feelings all the time.  

God loves you NOW, right in the middle of your depression.  Know that the gospel of Christ is still yours.  God's saving grace doesn't stop at the feet of depression.  It gives your pain purpose and gives hope for healing in the future.  Cling to that hope.  That is my prayer for you this day.

#8: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number eight on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Seven Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number eight:

What to say:
I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.

What NOT to say:
I think your depression is a way of punishing us.

Nicholas L. Laning

Is this not a fear we have anyway?  Of being left or abandoned?  Add in the confusion, the stigma, the uncontrollable negativity that comes with depression, and you can just imagine how much this plagues the soul of your depressed loved one.  Chances are they have reached out to others, maybe not wholly, but in some way, and have been rejected.  

The hard part of this is that you can be near someone and abandon them.  We see it marriage, where the spouse is physically present, but no longer emotionally engaged.  This is true with depression.  It isn't enough to be simply be physically present.   You must also be emotionally engaged.  That doesn't mean feel what they feel.  You feel what you feel, which, if you love someone and they hurt, should include hurting for them. 

Also, there is this weird conundrum that follows loving someone.  When you love someone you trust them.  So, you can be tempted to leave things unspoken as a means to almost honor or cherish your closeness.  "We are so close, that we don't have to say it to know that we love each other."  This may be true to a degree, but love needs to be reiterated everyday.  We need to hear it.  Silence leaves room for struggle.  It is in that silence that temptation grows.  Doesn't it?  Am I wrong?  Is it not the mystery that usually drives the believing of lies?

Express your love and involvement, and do it often.  Don't leave room for lies to form in the mind of someone whose mind is being attacked by uncontrollable negativity.  

I'll never forget my brother sharing his process of coming to grips with the reality of depression.  Towards the end of my battle with depression, he shared with me that for the first year or so of my depression he didn't believe that I was in fact depressed.  Not only did he not sympathize with me, he resented me.  He was angry with me because he thought that my depression was an act.  In his mind, depression was fake, merely an emotional play, a grab for attention.  

In his mind, he had always been able to overcome his moods.  So, everyone else should be able to as well.  Therefore, if I was continuously acting depressed, then I was doing something to myself.  I was choosing to sit in a mood that I could in fact overcome.  If I was choosing to do this, and it was hurting our family to see me do it, then I was punishing them.  I was self-centered beyond belief.

Only, that's just not true.  I will continue with the same analogy I have been using all along to show how ridiculous this is.  Depression is a disease, and you don't choose it.  Can you imagine your loved one having cancer, and you saying, "John, just stop it!  Stop having cancer!  I feel like you're punishing us with this cancer!"

If you think it is different then you are wrong.  Depression is no more brought on personally than cancer is.  Perhaps someone smoked, and cancer resulted, but is that the same as choosing to have cancer?  No.  And you would never say that to someone.  It is so incredibly self centered it is unbelievable.  It is self-centered in about ten ways.  To think that someone's utter and complete misery is about YOU!?  Really?!  

I don't want to condescend.  I am the worst.  I have been guilty of this.  That is why I can say it with such fire, because I was extremely self-centered in my rejection of depression before I got slapped upside the head with it.  So, I am right there with you.  That doesn't make it any less stupid.  It just means I am stupid too.

Pray that your heart would be open.  Keep soft, and be willing to be wrong.  It's not only okay, but a fact, that we are all wrong about a lot.  We are human.  Fortunately, you can rest in the knowledge that a perfect God is there when you are not for your loved one.  That same God is there to strengthen you.  God changes hearts.  If you are struggling to believe, pray that he will change yours so that you can be what you need to for your loved one.  I am praying for you as I write this. 

#7: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number seven on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Six Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number seven:

What to say:
I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.

What NOT to say:
Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.

Nicholas L. Laning

This is great, because sometimes I think that we feel like we need to understand to sympathize.  We don't, not fully.  I don't have to experience cancer to hurt for someone who has cancer.  All I have to do is know they hurt, and that hurts me.  It's that simple.  The only way this gets complicated with depression is that people want to understand it so they can actually believe it.  Most people simply don't trust that depression is real.  It is very difficult to sympathize with someone when you feel they can stop the pain.  That doesn't move us toward sympathy.  It makes us angry.  We feel manipulated.  So, behind this is the very simple question... do you believe depression is real?  If so, then you understand that depression is not controllable.  The depressed person can't simply stop it.  They are being tormented against their will.  If you see that truth, then sympathy should be beyond easy.  

I also love this because, again, it does not attempt to fix.  It says that you believe them, and are there for them.  That is the bulk of what they need.  Done!  How easy is that?  Your job is to just believe and be there.  Simple.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.  Sighs.  I understand the heart behind this.  At least, for most people, I think this is said in an attempt to help, to fix.  As I have already said a hundred times though, you can't fix people.  Heck, one of the lowest points of despair in my battle was when my psychiatrist of three years told me he had nothing left for me.  He had used the extent of his knowledge on me, and I wasn't better.  It was brave thing to admit, but it devastated me.  Each week I went in with hope that this next time we would find out what was wrong, that the answer would be found.  So when he said he had nothing for me, my hope faded.  

Point of that story is, if this genuinely talented psychiatrist couldn't fix me, you definitely weren't going to.  Trying to relate is incredibly human, and in a way, really touching.  So, I understand this.  However, it is folly.  You don't have to be depressed to know this.  This line of attack against sorrow comes up empty.  There is a reason people who are battling cancer go to cancer support groups, and that is to be around people who genuinely understand.  

Contrast the what TO say with the what NOT TO say.  One admits a lack of understanding, but is liberal with compassion.  The other falsely claims a knowledge not possessed.  If you wen through a couple of days of depression, I would say that you have a touch of understanding of what I went through.  You would have a clue.  But, if you were to think that a couple of days of depression is equivalent to ten years, then you are a fool.  That's like someone who spent two nights in jail telling someone who just got done doing ten years hard time in maximum security they understand.  No they don't. 

Be encouraged by all of this.  My hope is that as you have read through these responses you will see a pattern, and see just how simple your task is.  In reality, all you have to do as someone who is on the outside is be there.   You don't have to fix.  You don't have to reason away their pain.  You can't.  You can't reason away cancer, or the flu, or any other illness.  this is no different.  You can look up doctors if you feel led.  Buy books.  Admonish your loved one to get outside, to put the donut down and grab an apple, to push themselves to be as social as they realistically can.  Don't get mad when they can't do stuff healthy people do, because they aren't healthy.  Whatever.  Just be there.  Have compassion.  Have compassion.  Have compassion.

Meditate on these words from Romans 12:15...

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

#6: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number six on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Five Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number six:

What to say:
When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.

What NOT to say:
It’s your own fault.

Nicholas L. Laning

I love this one.  "When this is all over, I'll be here and so will you."  I can't remember where it is that I read that the two main driving forces in life were the seeking of goodness, or aversion from pain, but it stuck with me.  When we hurt, what do we want?  To stop hurting.  This is true with any pain.  Let me tell you a secret though, it is even more powerful for depression.  

Recall that one of the facets of depression is an unrelenting, overwhelming, involuntary negativity.  Depressed people cannot help it.  Their brains have, for whatever reason, turned on them, so to speak.  Everything that comes to mind is automatically turned to the negative.  You can be as optimistic as you want.  You can tell yourself all is great.  You can exhaust yourself finding the silver lining mentally.  In the end, you still feel like it is all terrible, useless, awful, pointless, etc.  

Believing that it will end is one of the most powerful tools for overcoming depression.  One of the biggest turning points in my battle was when I finally decided that I was going to believe it was going to end, no matter how I felt, no matter how much the depression tried to make me feel hopeless and trapped.  Slowly but surely things started to change.  

"But Nicholas, I myself struggle to believe it will end."  

Then change your mind right now.  Hear me.  Your loved one needs you to believe they are going to get better.  My mom was completely unrelenting on this point.  She kept saying it, "You will get better.  Just be strong, and it will end."  I would argue, "You don't know that."  She would say, "No, but I believe it with all my heart.  I just know you'll be okay.  It is going to end."  The more she said this the better.  Take whatever skepticism you have and stuff it.  Don't leave it to a person who is depressed to be the only one trying to the belief that they will be okay.  Talk about a bad idea.

Quickly, I also just like the reiteration, "I'll be here and so will you."  It may sound redundant to say, "so will you," after you said, "when this is over," but that's okay.  They need to hear that they are going to be back, that they will be redeemed and restored.  Use those two words frequently, by the way.

Again, this can only be said with a complete ignorance of what depression is.  Would you tell a woman her period is her fault?  What about when someone gets the flu?  What about kidney stones.

"Lisa, you know what, I am tired of your attitude, and I am sick and tired of hearing about this period.  It's your own fault you are like this, now get it together."  

"Ugh, Mike, I am sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you.  Get your act together.  Those kidney stones are your own dang fault."

Anyone else cringe?  Anyone?  It's bad, right?  How dumb is this?  Truth is, maybe you did do something that was a part of why you got depressed, cancer, the flu, kidney stones, whatever.  However, it still isn't your fault.  People don't give themselves cancer.  Perhaps they smoked too much, or ate poorly, or whatever, but lots of people do that and don't get cancer.  Lots of people have casual sex.  Not everyone that does gets and STD.  Same with kidney stones.  There are certain things that my uncle cannot intake without getting kidney stones.  He gets them all the time.  I can intake those things that would give him kidney stones and be just fine.  

So it is with depression.  Lots of people drink too much.  Yet, only some get hit with depression.  Everybody deals with loss of loved ones.  No one is above it.  Yet, not everyone gets thrown into depression over it.  Just like any disease, it hits some and not others.

Nothing outside set mine off.  I was fine.  I loved life.  One day I came home from High School, plopped my backpack on my bed, and wham!  Just like that, everything changed.  Torment entered me like I had never known, and it stayed inside me for ten years.  I still have no clue as to why.  It just did.

I know it is hard to understand.  It is such a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.  If you are reading this, then you are trying, and that says something!  

We cannot change our own hearts.  But, the Holy Spirit can.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for understanding, and I believe God will answer your prayer.  He will move you closer to the one you love who is struggling so.  I believe it!

Proverbs 2:2-6

2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;  

3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,  

4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.   

6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;