There's a Certain Kind of Pain That Can Numb You

Imagine looking into the face of someone whose face has been mangled by fire, a shadow of its former visage.  The pain of that fire is long gone.  No longer is the heat felt.  The moment of that torment has passed.

Yet, the scars themselves bring their own pain.  Being reminded isn't even the hardest part.  We move forward.  No, this scar is ever present.  It affects every day of that person's life.  No one will look at them the same.  Even if people don't mind, the person with the scar will.  They will never feel quite whole, quite right. 

If burned deeply enough, strong enough, there can be a complete loss of sensation in the skin.  Numbness can be it's own torment.  

This is how I feel.  I don't think about my depression much, unless I am trying to write for the Abyssic.  However, it is the scar of my depression that hurts me now.  Simply put, I can't feel the same as I used to.  It's like I've been burned too deeply, and can't feel quite how I did before.  I bump into things, and know I should have felt something, but it's all just kind of numb.  

And that's okay.


All I can do is move forward in faith.  Confession, I don't always have faith.  At times, like this past week, I am just angry.  I don't always remember my place.  I am not always thankful.  The gospel is not fresh in my mind.  I feel entitled and rebellious.  At times, I am downright mean and spiteful toward God for my inability to feel whole, to feel right.  There are times when I take my hope to other things.  I think, "maybe lust will satisfy," of "maybe just doing whatever I want."  Only, I have given into both of those so much, I know they leave you dry.  Their promise is a lie.

It is my prayer that God would continue to renew my heart, that he would heal it.  If not, then I pray that He would give me the strength and faithfulness to overcome the pain left by those scars.  To God be all glory.

As always, my hope and intent with confession is to encourage through the shared experience of living life in pursuit of Christ, both the ups and the downs.

I Thessalonians 5: 23-24

23 Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

24 He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Paralyzed by Pain

The Scream by Edvard Munch

Sometimes pain is so bad, so strong, so overwhelming, that it paralyzes us.  We wish we could move.  We wish we could cry.  We wish we could scream.  Anything!  But, we can't.  We are stuck in our pain.  Each direction we look at to move seems dry and empty.  People talk to us, ask us what's wrong, and we have nothing.  Even if we say something, we feel it to be nothing, to be not heard.  We begin to feel like we don't matter.  The pain is too much.  We are no more.  There is simply pain.  Our bodies, once the physical houses of our souls, have become vessels for the pain now.  It has shoved our soul right of our own skin.  Like the painting above, we scream inside of ourselves, wondering why we can't scream aloud.

That's okay, because God can hear that scream.  When you have hurt so much that you no longer can cry on the outside, but have to simply imagine yourself crying, God sees those tears.  They do not pass Him by unnoticed.  He sees through our hearts.  He can winnow our thoughts.  So, don't you ever feel unheard or unloved, not for one second.

Hebrews 4:12 ESV

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.