#3: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Two Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Nicholas L. Laning

Don't make me do the Care Bear Stare!  I'll do it!  Yes, that's a threat.  Physical touch is huge.  Yes, people are weird about touch.   I don't have much of "Bubble" myself, but that's okay if others do.  But, hey, that's why you ask them if they want a hug, and don't just give them one, I guess.  Hugs are great.  'Nough said. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Man, I have written about this subject many, many times before.  This subject has been dissected by my mind and heart.  Why?  Because for ten years I suffered enormously, and all but a handful of people showed me no sympathy.  I was amazed at how people withheld their pity.  I wondered why it was so stinking hard for people to just say, "I hurt for you, or with you."  Pity, it turns out, is some kind of a bad word. 

I understand the extreme.  Nobody likes wallowing, and depression can seem like wallowing, as it doesn't end in an hour or two.  Nobody wants to enable wallowing.  We want people to get up and feel better.  Truth be told it is a balance.  People in depression do wallow at times.  I wallowed like pig in the mud.  (My dad runs a ranch, so yes, I am redneck enough to pull that off thank you.)  

That's why we like the extremes.  You can run full tilt toward one direction or the other.  It is mindless.  Balance calls for thought, diligence.  It isn't about just finding the middle.  Some things weigh more than others.  So, the answer is going to change for each person.  You don't want to be extreme in the direction of withholding your pity.  Pity is not bad.  It's there for a reason, and if you don't ever feel it or show it, then your heart is too hard.  If someone is depressed, you should absolutely feel sorry for them, as you should when anyone is suffering mightily with anything.  By withholding your pity, you are in essence reaffirming your disbelief in their pain.  You are calling them a liar.  

On the other hand, you should not let them to sit either.  I have seen some people absolutely allow their depressed loved one wallow.  You cannot let a person who is depressed, which while they aren't crazy, they aren't thinking right either, make all of their own decisions.  It is scary to try and move a depressed person out of their comfort zone.  But, twenty hour video game marathons are not healthy for anybody.  They are devastating to a depressed person.  The depressed person isn't going to want to go out with their friends.  Tough.  They aren't going to feel like exercising.  Tough.  They are going to want to eat comfort food, i.e. food that is bad for them and will make them more depressed.  Tough.  Tough.  Tough.  

Think of it like a broken leg.  You don't ask a person with a broken leg to run.  That is insane.  But, in order for the leg to heal, and to keep the muscles from atrophying, you slowly but surely apply more pressure.  You may over do it, tweak the leg, and have to take it back a notch.  It is going to be day by day, but you keep trying to put as much pressure on the leg as possible.  So it is with depression.  I know you'd like a simpler answer, but the answer is balance.  You have to feel sorry for those in pain, but you can't let them wallow either.  Where that line is... is going to take some discernment.

Remember, you are not alone.  the God of the universe is with you.  He sent His son to die for you in your stead.  He knows your pain, and sympathizes with you (both those who are depressed and those trying help a depressed loved one)  Recall this verse today:

Hebrews 4:14-16

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  

16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Too Little Exercise, Too Much TV = ?

Nicholas L. Laning

Reuters just published a story about how a new study shows that Too little exercise, too much TV tied to depression.  Click on either of the links, and give article a quick read.  The study is expansive, having surveyed over 50,000 people over a period of fourteen years.  So, this is not one of those studies where they asked ten people and found that one or two who watched TV and didn't exercise were sad.

This is huge item of talk for both those suffering with depression, and those loved ones trying to understand and help.  Why?  Well, because, what do people want to do when they are depressed?  The answer is, usually, to sit around and watch TV, and not to exercise.

Now, this article isn't about exercising.  You can read the Reuters article to hear that, and they have all the cool facts to help you out.  What I want to talk about is this... depressed people need to do the small things they can to win, both for themselves, and for those trying to help.  We as humans, will usually just wallow in self pity.  We will take our very real struggle, our very real pain, and we will hide in it.  The less pity others give, the more we are likely to give it ourselves.  So, what happens is that we don't do the few things that can help us.  We don't want to drive over to talk to a counselor.  We don't want to take vitamins, even though they can help.  We don't want to work out, even though that helps.  We don't want to eat well.  We want to take our pain and blast it away with the momentary high of sugar on our tongues.

I would know, I used to buy a bag of Smarties, unroll them all, and pour them into a hug cup, and eat them out of the cup (no, not all at once, but still).  I would eat Krispy Kremes by the half dozen, or occasionally, the dozen.  I didn't workout because I wanted to sleep.  Working out seemed tiring, both physically and emotionally.  So, I got fat.  I got up to 260 pounds!  To give you some perspective, I now weigh 170, and still a have little bit covering my chiseled abs. (wink)  Now then, being fat made me what?  You guessed it, more depressed.  I watched a ton of TV and played tons of video games.  I dare not say how many hours, for fear you would shun me forever.  Apart from messing with my brain chemistry and my hormones, I had no social life, no friends, which, again, made me more depressed!  See the pattern?  My mom told me to try St. John's Wort, which is an herb, or to take Omega 3 pills.  Did I?  Nooooooooo.

Here's the thing.  That was stupid.  I did finally do those things toward the end, and guess what?  They all helped make me feel better.  Did they heal me themselves?  No.  Did they help enormously though?  Yes.  Very much so.  Not only was I hurting myself, but I hurt those around me.  I eroded their trust in me, that I was a fighter.  I was signalling to all those who loved me, that I had given up.  There were stupidly simple steps to take to help me fight, and I did almost none of them.  Then, I had the gall to get upset when there was no one around to help fight, as if people who aren't depressed have some inexhaustible fountain of hope.  They don't.  They are hurting too.  They are fighting with you.  Their soul is crumpled and crinkled from battle too.  So, wake up, and do the things you need to do, not only to help your body and soul fight the Abyss, but to help your loved ones from being drug into it with you.  Keep on fighting!

Romans 12:12 ESV

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.