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My mind has always had wanderlust. No matter where I was… I wasn’t. My report cards all read the same thing. They all spoke of how I was respectful,
obedient, a great kid, yet one that could not stop daydreaming. My poor teachers just couldn’t compete with
the playground in my mind. My narrative
and visual capabilities have always been off the charts. That vividness of imagination gave me so much
freedom. I would fly like Peter Pan,
score the winning touchdown, save the day, create fantastic worlds all at my
whim. Every night I would love going to
sleep, as it gave me the freedom to visit that playground in my mind
unabated. It was bliss. My mind was my constant escape, my favorite
place to go…
…until it wasn’t.
In the blink of an eye that playground got turned into a
torture chamber. Depression ravaged my
mind, heart, and soul. If you haven’t
experienced it, I’d like you to try to imagine your thoughts not really being
your own, nor your emotions. Imagine the
sensation that someone else is picking your thoughts and feelings, and they are
choosing only the worst ones you could have imagined. That mind that gave you freedom now was a
prison you could not escape. You took
your torment with you everywhere you went.
Everywhere you were… you weren’t.
You were never able to feel the emotion of the moment. The best thing in the world could happen to you,
but all you don’t care. You are
screaming inside the prison in your mind.
No one sees it. Most don’t care. Worst yet is that you come to believe the
prison is inescapable, that it is your fault, that you built it, only adding to
your torment. If you built it then you
should be able to tear it down, right? I
hated my mind, for it had believed it had betrayed me in the worst of ways. How I wished to be able to go anywhere
else. It was my least favorite place in
the world…
…until it wasn’t.
Some years ago things changed. The slow slog back to health began. To this day I am still unlearning things
taught to me in my pain. This last year
has seen the resurgence of myself in a way I once thought completely
impossible. My mind is once again a playground, and I am struggling to even
know how to use it. I feel like I had my
legs cut off, and they’ve been reattached.
It is hard to fathom that this mind of mine was once a place of
torture. The pain is not forgotten. I have to sometimes remind myself that it is
safe to go, that I no longer have to fear my mind, have to try and constantly
distract myself. The bonus is that,
unlike before, I cannot take for granted what I have. The scar inside me will never let me
forget. If memories are wrinkles in the
brain then that memory is a canyon. It
is my belief that pain is necessary for the highest good, for it is in the face
of true pain that true joy is felt, and do I ever feel it. Oh how I feel it. My mind is once again a place of awe and wonder, love and life. Praise be to God.
God is a God of redemption.
He has brought me out of the abyss.
He has restored my mind when I thought that it was impossible. May you find some hope and peace in my story,
and may God show you the joy felt on the other side of tragedy.
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| A Beautiful Mind by: Laning Photography |
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| Nicholas L. Laning |
