#5: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number five on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Four Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number five:

What to say:
We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

What NOT to say:
Try not to be so depressed.

Nicholas L. Laning

"We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."  Honestly, not a fan of this.  I like the intent and idea behind it, but not the actual saying.  I am not going to even dissect this.  In the end, simply saying, " I am here for you" is far more powerful and clean than this.  Stick with that. 

"Try not to be so depressed."  Man, if you are saying this, I feel for you.  There is zero condescension in that statement.  It hurts because I didn't understand it either until I went through a very long, painful process of coming to grips with reality.  Hear this, those of you on the outside looking in.  

Depression is not a mood.  

It is called an illness for a reason.  A mood can be altered with attitude.  Illnesses cannot.  Illnesses can be handled better or not, but no one has smiled away cancer.  You would never go up to someone with leukemia and say, "stop having cancer," or "could you try to make your leg not broken?" to someone with a broken leg.  

That is exactly how ridiculous it is when you say, "Try not to be so depressed."  It is absolutely imperative that you understand that depression is an illness that affects the emotions directly.  Depressed people cannot control the way they feel.  Do your research.  It's an epidemic.  People just don't want to talk about it.  They aren't doing anything really that rare.  It is just new to you.  

Feel free to challenge how people who are depressed respond to the unrelenting, uncontrollable pain they are dealing with.  We do this with any sick person.  We give those suffering grace, but not a free pass.  Even if someone has the worst disease ever, we do not allow them to say anything they want, or do whatever they want.  We still hold them to their own dignity, to responsibility.  We call and challenge them to meet the strife with courage, with honor, with patience.  

You must do this with those whom are depressed.  They need gracious, patient, challenging daily.  They are going to mess it up, and they need grace to do so, but don't let them sit and wallow.  Don't let them devolve.  You are in their life for a reason.  You can be the difference maker.  God uses humans above anything else to exact His will.  How exciting is that?  You can literally change someone's life.  There are people whom God used to save my life, with their love, their time, even their flaws.  They gave of themselves, and I am sitting here typing to you instead of still being depressed or being six feet under.  

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

#4: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Three Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
You are not going crazy.

What NOT to say:
So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?

Nicholas L. Laning

"You are not going crazy."  This is huge.  Depression is a mental illness.  What most people fail to understand is that doesn't mean you are crazy.  All it means is that it is an illness that effects your emotions and thoughts.  In a way, every sickness does this.  I have witnessed multiple people express a desire for death in the midst of fighting the flu.  Not that they are suicidal, as they know it will end.  Point is, there is some part of them that would rather be dead at that moment than suffering as they are.  Headaches, colds, broken limbs, all of them effect our thoughts and emotions.  

Mental illnesses seem to do almost exclusively.  In other words, a depressed person may have physical issues such as stomach trouble or insomnia, but the main thing affected are the thoughts and emotions.
  

Depressed people's thoughts are surely warped by their pain, by the illness, but they are not crazy.  Their ability to rationalize is very strong.  They are simply being influenced heavily by a blinding emotional pain and numbness, and an overwhelming, uncontrollable negativity.  

I think a great way to imagine you are talking to someone who is being stretched across a rack, or having bamboo shoved under their finger nails. There is going to be no surprise when the person says things out of the ordinary, or their thoughts aren't healthy.  You don't think them crazy.  You simply recognize the influence of extreme pain on their rationale.  Right?

You must continue to let them know that what they are struggling with is common (they may hate this, as it pushes them to deal with it, and not get to wallow and quit fighting.  Tough.  it's the truth.  1 in 10 struggle with it.)  They are not whole, but they aren't crazy either.

"So you're depressed.  Aren't you always?"  You probably think I am going to again come down harsh on those on the outside.  I'm not.  It is a stupid thing to say.  It is.  But, it is a very, very human thing to say.  Something to remember is that those who love someone depressed are hurting like hell too.  They need help too.  

My mom was a champ.  She was a rock.  Does that mean she never got weak?  Yeah right.  There were times when she wasn't so strong.  The constant battle wore her out.  Even at the time, I understood it.  

You can't over do that, or you risk isolating the depressed person.  I have known depressed people who almost crumbled, almost caved into suicide, because they were fighting their depression alone.  At one point in time they shared their pain with a loved one who responded by being overwhelmed.  In order to not be a burden, the depressed person decided going to people was a no no.  

This is BAD.  Depressed people need as many people on their team as possible.  The more people involved, the easier it is to share the load.  Then, one person doesn't have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  They can go to the others helping and say, "Hey, I am feeling weak today.  I am struggling to be strong.  Can you hang out with ________?  I could use a break to get strong again."

Battling alongside someone who is depressed is absolutely exhausting emotionally.  It is AWFUL!!!  My heart breaks for any of you who are the loved one.  I know it is hard.  There are no breaks.  Depression is relentless.  It comes and comes and comes, and eventually you just want to scream, "ENOUGH!!! When does it stop, Lord?  I can't do this anymore!"  And it keeps on coming anyway.

Don't say it though.  Find ways to not need to say it.  Get help.  Get a group.  Do whatever it takes, because you do not want to say, "Oh, aren't you always depressed?"  The answer is, "Yeah, I am, and now I know that I have to deal with that hell without you.  Thanks for nothing."

Let us recall that perseverance is a virtue, something to be desired.  By God saying that we should be able to persevere, He is saying that hard times are going to come.  We wouldn't need perseverance without the existence of bad things, hard things.  I don't persevere through eating ice cream, or getting a back rub, or swimming at the beach.  I love those things.  They take no perseverance.  They are enjoyed.  So let's keep in mind that God is using all of this to His glory, that there is purpose in it.  Like it or not, He is building you for something more. 

Romans 5:2-5

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

#3: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Two Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Nicholas L. Laning

Don't make me do the Care Bear Stare!  I'll do it!  Yes, that's a threat.  Physical touch is huge.  Yes, people are weird about touch.   I don't have much of "Bubble" myself, but that's okay if others do.  But, hey, that's why you ask them if they want a hug, and don't just give them one, I guess.  Hugs are great.  'Nough said. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Man, I have written about this subject many, many times before.  This subject has been dissected by my mind and heart.  Why?  Because for ten years I suffered enormously, and all but a handful of people showed me no sympathy.  I was amazed at how people withheld their pity.  I wondered why it was so stinking hard for people to just say, "I hurt for you, or with you."  Pity, it turns out, is some kind of a bad word. 

I understand the extreme.  Nobody likes wallowing, and depression can seem like wallowing, as it doesn't end in an hour or two.  Nobody wants to enable wallowing.  We want people to get up and feel better.  Truth be told it is a balance.  People in depression do wallow at times.  I wallowed like pig in the mud.  (My dad runs a ranch, so yes, I am redneck enough to pull that off thank you.)  

That's why we like the extremes.  You can run full tilt toward one direction or the other.  It is mindless.  Balance calls for thought, diligence.  It isn't about just finding the middle.  Some things weigh more than others.  So, the answer is going to change for each person.  You don't want to be extreme in the direction of withholding your pity.  Pity is not bad.  It's there for a reason, and if you don't ever feel it or show it, then your heart is too hard.  If someone is depressed, you should absolutely feel sorry for them, as you should when anyone is suffering mightily with anything.  By withholding your pity, you are in essence reaffirming your disbelief in their pain.  You are calling them a liar.  

On the other hand, you should not let them to sit either.  I have seen some people absolutely allow their depressed loved one wallow.  You cannot let a person who is depressed, which while they aren't crazy, they aren't thinking right either, make all of their own decisions.  It is scary to try and move a depressed person out of their comfort zone.  But, twenty hour video game marathons are not healthy for anybody.  They are devastating to a depressed person.  The depressed person isn't going to want to go out with their friends.  Tough.  They aren't going to feel like exercising.  Tough.  They are going to want to eat comfort food, i.e. food that is bad for them and will make them more depressed.  Tough.  Tough.  Tough.  

Think of it like a broken leg.  You don't ask a person with a broken leg to run.  That is insane.  But, in order for the leg to heal, and to keep the muscles from atrophying, you slowly but surely apply more pressure.  You may over do it, tweak the leg, and have to take it back a notch.  It is going to be day by day, but you keep trying to put as much pressure on the leg as possible.  So it is with depression.  I know you'd like a simpler answer, but the answer is balance.  You have to feel sorry for those in pain, but you can't let them wallow either.  Where that line is... is going to take some discernment.

Remember, you are not alone.  the God of the universe is with you.  He sent His son to die for you in your stead.  He knows your pain, and sympathizes with you (both those who are depressed and those trying help a depressed loved one)  Recall this verse today:

Hebrews 4:14-16

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  

16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

#2: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

Monk by the Sea

Caspar David Friedrich

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number One Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number two:

What to say:
You are important to me.

What NOT to say:
No one ever said that life was fair.

This one is almost redundant form the first.  It is important to say both, "I'll be there for you," and "Your important to me," though.  The difference may seem small, but there is a difference, and it is found in the pronouns each sentence begins with.  Saying, "I am here for you," is about you and your actions.  You are making a claim in regard to how you are going to act toward the person suffering.  Saying, "You are important to me," is focused on their value to you.  You are verbalizing how they affect you, telling them that they mean something to you.  

Both need to be said.  You could be there for someone for all kinds of reasons.  Perhaps you just think it a good thing to do.  It could be about making yourself feel better.  Being there for someone doesn't mean someone is important.  

You can also say that someone is important to you, and then go about your life without being involved.  This was the case with most people in my life.  Lots of people have loved me, but very few were actually there for me.

Now, to the what not to say.  Just like the previous "Thing to Not Say," the mistake in uttering these words begins with the idea of fixing.  The only logical reason you would say this is in hopes of fixing someone, as saying this has never made anyone ever feel better about anything... ever.  Somehow we think we can rationalize people out of their depression.  Let me say it again, guys.  You do not need to fix people who are depressed.  Actually, let me say it this way... you cannot fix people who are depressed.  Forget about depression for a second.  I have never once seen this line of "encouragement" work on any type of suffering.  Ever.  I have never seen a single person respond to being to life isn't fair by smiling and going, "Really?  I didn't know.  I was crying because I thought, 'You know, life is fair, and this hurts, so something is wrong,' but now that I know life isn't fair, it all makes sense, and I can stop crying now.  Brilliant!  Thanks!"

Again, I am not trying to be snarky.  I am no better than anyone.  I know this stuff in my head, write about it, tell others, and yet... yeah, I still struggle not to employ the same techniques.  I still desire to whip out the ole emotional duck tape and try to Jedi people out of their pain.  So, that makes me worse than most.  So, as I read this, I am slapping my own face too.  You are not alone.  I'm working on getting better at it too.  

As someone who has people come to them about their depression, I have to remember the same thing... what they need most from me is for me to actually hear them, believe in their pain, tell them I care, and mourn with them.  Done.  The Obi Wan hand sweep need not be employed, the Spock hand grip can be pocketed. (Did I just manage to reference Star Wars and Star Trek in one sentence?  I think I did.  I can't tell, my glasses are broke.  Where's the tape?)

And even more than these... I can share with them how God has already said both "I am here for you," and "You are important to me," many many times.  Giving up what you love most to die in another person's place says it all.

John 3:16  

16 "For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

Luke 12:24

24 "Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

My prayer is that you would read those words and believe them with all your heart today.  Amen.

Expounding On: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Things to Not say) to Someone With Depression

The Old Guitarist, by Pablo Picasso

I discovered this article on depression by health.com.  It's called 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it. 

What I want to do is take each one of those 10 Things, and expound on them.  Here's the first example: 

What to say:
You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say:
There’s always someone worse off than you are.

Nicholas L. Laning

First thing I have to do is admit that my first response to pretty much all of these was to shout in my head, "Are you @#$%^&* kidding me?"  Then I recall that it took a year and half of being depressed before I finally accepted that I was depressed, as I didn't believe in depression.  So, I understand the confusion and ignorance that would lead people to say the things Not to Say.  Honestly, I would probably be the king of ignorance on this subject had I had not had to battle it for a decade.  Be better than me.  Don't be such an ostrich that you hurt yourself or someone you love.

If you follow these, you will be light years ahead in encouraging someone who is depressed.  The great part of saying that they are not alone in this, that you'll be there for them, is that you don't have to fully understand depression to help someone in it.  Actually, admitting you don't fully grasp it can be helpful.  Nobody needs you to lie.  People who are depressed don't need you to be an expert, they just need your support.  How freeing is that?  All you have to do is show and say, "I'm here for you.  We'll beat this.  It's going to be okay."   You don't have to fix them.  

Let me say that again... you DON'T have to fix them.  When we say, there's always someone worse off than you are, that comes from the desire to fix.  We think we can possibly show the person suffering through reasoning, why they should stop feeling that way.  

Here's the thing.  For one, you just started your attempt at encouragement by belittling their torment.  Do I even need to explain how this isn't smart?  This is just bad, guys.  How is belittling someone ever encouraging?  It isn't.  Not ever.  This is not a good idea for any kind of suffering, and yet, it is a popular line of thought when trying to "encourage".  

Also, you are assuming that someone is worse off.  Someone is at the bottom.  And frankly, is the person at the bottom of this imagined list of "Suffering the Most" the only person who we should empathize with?  Hurt for?  re they the only ones that have the freedom to mourn, to weep, to express their sorrow?  I can just see it.  You hold up the list of people most suffering.  You look up your friend's name.  "Chris, Chris, Chris," you say as your finger slides down the list until you come to their name.  "Ahhh, sorry Chris, but you are second on the list of 'people suffering the most in the world'.  So close, but, we're going to have to ask you to pull yourself together.  Oh yeah, and we're going to need you to come in on Sunday." 

Lastly, underneath your "encouragement" is the message, "Get over it."  Telling someone their pain isn't number one has nothing to do with it.  Their hurt is still real, powerful, and get this... seriously, you must understand this... they CAN'T stop it.  You must grasp this.  If they could pull themselves out they would.  Why in the world would they stay miserable?  I once heard someone respond, "For the attention."  What attention?  I dare you to tell someone you're depressed and see what that gets you.  You will discover there is no perk to being depressed.  People aren't going to come to your side and go, "Oh man, that's awful, how can I help?  Can I bake you cookies?"   Almost everyone is going to either ignore you, change the subject, or tell you to get over it.  So, let's put that argument to bed.  There is no perk. 

If someone you know is depressed, then know that they can't stop it.  Know that they don't need you to fix.  All they need is for you is to be there with them as they suffer, and keep on loving them. 

Why Do Men Struggle So Greatly in Understanding Depression?

Picture of Douglas MacArthur from Shorpy.com

“He doesn’t understand.  He thinks it’s just… he thinks I should just get over it.  You know?  He doesn’t understand that it isn’t something I can just get over.  I can’t go to him when I feel like this, I just have to deal with it alone, ‘cause I know he won’t understand.  You know?”

Those are the words of a women explaining to me how her husband has dealt with her depression.

Men are just set up for struggle when it comes to understanding depression.  There are a lot of reasons for this.  Generally speaking, men are less empathetic than women.  We often find ourselves reverting back to football boot camp methods for every kind of motivation.  Someone is struggling?  Can’t seem to fix it?  Then you aren’t yelling and swearing loud enough!  To be fair, this is how we are motivated most frequently when we are segregated by sex.  The peer pressure plus the yelling turns out quite effective… if you are teaching someone how to overcome their fear of getting hit in football, or trying to get someone over the wall on an obstacle course.  I am chuckling thinking about someone employing this technique on someone in depression, simply because it is so awful and absurd, it is ridiculous.

The main reason men are handicapped compared to women in their understanding of depression is because they have never experienced anything like it.  Almost any other pain can be empathized with even if not experienced directly, because it still links in with pain already felt.  For example, I don’t have to have lived through the holocaust to empathize with those who went through it.  Can I know the full breadth of their specific pain?  No way.  But I CAN definitely imagine it.  I can easily picture the faces of my family getting thrown aboard one train as I am thrown aboard another.  I can picture their tattered faces lurch slowly away as the train pulls out of the station, taking them to their death, as I head to mine. 

Depression is not like that.  It is so unique, so different from anything felt previously, that if you haven’t felt it, then your brain will struggle mightily to comprehend it… at all. 

Confession, before I was depressed, I struggled to believe that depression was real.  Irony, I know.  It’s a gift though, as it humbles me to recognize the struggle of those on the outside looking in, particularly men. 

Women, on the other hand, are all familiar with the something happening to your hormones, to your brain chemicals, that changes the way you feel, turning you into a different person.  Women experience this once a month for a majority of their lives. 

Men don’t understand this really either, but here is the kicker… they accept that it is real, and they (if mature) react accordingly.  I’ve never heard a man tell a woman that her PMS isn’t real.  Cowardly men may hide, but that’s only because they know it will go away in a couple of days.

Depression, most likely, isn’t going away in a couple of days.  It needs the attention of every loved one that can be there.  Besides, if men are all about bravery, then this is a time to be brave, because you are being asked to wade into uncomfortable waters.  A piece of encouragement is this though.  You don’t really need to understand depression to help someone in it.  Many men have become incredibly adept at encouraging the women in their lives when they go through PMS.  Our patience grows.  We understand that things are going to be said that are not common, that may even fly in the face of what was said just days ago.  Such it is with depression.  You don’t have to understand depression.  However, you do have to believe it is real, and you have to learn how to encourage your loved one in the face of it. 

Another thing that deters men from being involved with a depressed loved one is that you can’t FIX depression.  My father almost lost his mind as he watched me, his beloved son spiral into the darkness for a decade, and he didn’t have a damn clue what to do about it.  It changed him, crushed him a bit.  I could see it in his face.  He would look at me and it was blank, as he was completely overwhelmed with his inability to duck tape my heart back into my chest, or drain the poison out of my mind.  All he could do was be there.

What he doesn’t know is that my depression would have been years longer if it weren’t for his acceptance of my depression as real.  Not one time did he tell me to get over it.  He did try to convince me I was more okay than I was, but that is what everybody does (makes me angry just thinking about how many times people tried to convince me I was depressed, but not THAT depressed), but when the rubber met the road, he was there with my mom looking up the next doctor, or buying the latest book, or whatever. 

In all of my dealing with those whom are depressed, fathers and husbands have been one of the greatest impediments to healing.  So many people have shared with their inability to move forward, because they are crippled by the doubt and harassment of their ignorant, prideful husband or father. 

I want to remind you that I am not bashing men.  I AM one.  Women are not better.  They didn’t earn their understanding.  It is simply a part of their biological make up.  The point is that the men of this world need to join this fight, now.  You can’t close your eyes on this one.  If your son, daughter or wife is hurting from depression and you’re playing the ostrich, then you are a prideful, hypocritical coward.  Don’t let your ignorance and pride stand in the way of you loving your child, spouse, friend, whomever it is.  It isn’t really that hard.  All you have to do is accept that depression is real even if you don’t understand it.  (statistical reminder, over 100 million people have been diagnosed worldwide.  Seeing as how most deal with depression alone in the shadows, that number is actually much higher.  Are a couple hundred million people all faking it?  Really?)  From there you can grow in patience.  You will strike idiotic phrases like, “just get over it,” out of your speech, and you will instead say things like, “I don’t fully understand it, but I am here for you.  You understand me?  We’re in this fight together.”  And you are, because the truth is it IS a battle, one like you can’t imagine.  You can either be a part of the biggest battle of your loved one’s life, or you can go AWOL and hide in the corner.  What’s it going to be?

The most horrifying part about this struggle that men have with depression is how it affects those men who become depressed.  All of that pride, that fix it attitude, that unbeatable attitude… they are concrete boots… and we’ve been thrown in the ocean.  Men in depression always seem to take the longest to deal with it, because they spend so much time and effort, years maybe, fighting their new reality.  For me, it took a year of feeling the hell of depression before I was worn down enough to admit that there was a problem.  A year!  Gone!  Why?  Because I could fix it.  I just had to push through, pull myself out of it.  Only I couldn’t.  Not only that, but the harder I tried to fight it by not accepting it, the worse it got, the more complex the knot in my mind became.  I truly believe that, had I accepted my depression sooner, I could have gotten help sooner, and I believe years would have been shaved off of my battle.  Years.  I am thirty.  A decade was lost to depression.  That’s a third of my life, and to be honest, a lot of that is my own dang fault.  Those concrete boots have laces.  They can be untied at any time.  I just couldn’t let go of my concrete boots.  I thought they made me a man.  In reality, they nearly drowned me.

Praise God the times are changing with regard to depression, and people are really starting to talk about it and address it.  Thank God that more and more people don’t have to grope around in the dark as I did.  It is a new day.  It is a new battle.  Our Earthly fathers are great, but like us, they are flawed.  Fortunately, we have a Father in heaven who is not flawed, and while He doesn't promise to wave away your pain, He does promise to give you courage while your in it.  He promises to give your pain meaning, something atheism takes away.  He promises that, if you'll just hold on to Him, one day, the pain will stop... in this life or the next.