#4: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Three Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
You are not going crazy.

What NOT to say:
So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?

Nicholas L. Laning

"You are not going crazy."  This is huge.  Depression is a mental illness.  What most people fail to understand is that doesn't mean you are crazy.  All it means is that it is an illness that effects your emotions and thoughts.  In a way, every sickness does this.  I have witnessed multiple people express a desire for death in the midst of fighting the flu.  Not that they are suicidal, as they know it will end.  Point is, there is some part of them that would rather be dead at that moment than suffering as they are.  Headaches, colds, broken limbs, all of them effect our thoughts and emotions.  

Mental illnesses seem to do almost exclusively.  In other words, a depressed person may have physical issues such as stomach trouble or insomnia, but the main thing affected are the thoughts and emotions.
  

Depressed people's thoughts are surely warped by their pain, by the illness, but they are not crazy.  Their ability to rationalize is very strong.  They are simply being influenced heavily by a blinding emotional pain and numbness, and an overwhelming, uncontrollable negativity.  

I think a great way to imagine you are talking to someone who is being stretched across a rack, or having bamboo shoved under their finger nails. There is going to be no surprise when the person says things out of the ordinary, or their thoughts aren't healthy.  You don't think them crazy.  You simply recognize the influence of extreme pain on their rationale.  Right?

You must continue to let them know that what they are struggling with is common (they may hate this, as it pushes them to deal with it, and not get to wallow and quit fighting.  Tough.  it's the truth.  1 in 10 struggle with it.)  They are not whole, but they aren't crazy either.

"So you're depressed.  Aren't you always?"  You probably think I am going to again come down harsh on those on the outside.  I'm not.  It is a stupid thing to say.  It is.  But, it is a very, very human thing to say.  Something to remember is that those who love someone depressed are hurting like hell too.  They need help too.  

My mom was a champ.  She was a rock.  Does that mean she never got weak?  Yeah right.  There were times when she wasn't so strong.  The constant battle wore her out.  Even at the time, I understood it.  

You can't over do that, or you risk isolating the depressed person.  I have known depressed people who almost crumbled, almost caved into suicide, because they were fighting their depression alone.  At one point in time they shared their pain with a loved one who responded by being overwhelmed.  In order to not be a burden, the depressed person decided going to people was a no no.  

This is BAD.  Depressed people need as many people on their team as possible.  The more people involved, the easier it is to share the load.  Then, one person doesn't have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  They can go to the others helping and say, "Hey, I am feeling weak today.  I am struggling to be strong.  Can you hang out with ________?  I could use a break to get strong again."

Battling alongside someone who is depressed is absolutely exhausting emotionally.  It is AWFUL!!!  My heart breaks for any of you who are the loved one.  I know it is hard.  There are no breaks.  Depression is relentless.  It comes and comes and comes, and eventually you just want to scream, "ENOUGH!!! When does it stop, Lord?  I can't do this anymore!"  And it keeps on coming anyway.

Don't say it though.  Find ways to not need to say it.  Get help.  Get a group.  Do whatever it takes, because you do not want to say, "Oh, aren't you always depressed?"  The answer is, "Yeah, I am, and now I know that I have to deal with that hell without you.  Thanks for nothing."

Let us recall that perseverance is a virtue, something to be desired.  By God saying that we should be able to persevere, He is saying that hard times are going to come.  We wouldn't need perseverance without the existence of bad things, hard things.  I don't persevere through eating ice cream, or getting a back rub, or swimming at the beach.  I love those things.  They take no perseverance.  They are enjoyed.  So let's keep in mind that God is using all of this to His glory, that there is purpose in it.  Like it or not, He is building you for something more. 

Romans 5:2-5

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.