Post Depression Life: Feeling Good Will Make Life So Easy... NOT!

There was this myth that rolled around in my formerly depression-riddled mind.  It went something like this... once I am no longer depressed, am healthy, and feel good again, everything will be easy.  In some ways this is very true.  Days come and go without much a of a fuss relatively.  They are a million times more pleasant, and I do mean a million times.

However, it turns out that feeling pain is not the only thing thing that makes life hard.  There is something else that makes life hard that I did not see coming.  It is that feeling awesome can make life hard!  

What, Nicholas?  How is this possible?  Feeling good is always good! 

Is it?  Because, if so, then we need to be making drugs legal and get on that ASAP.

Nicholas, you have to understand that, yes, that feels good NOW, but will destroy you later!

(Funny how smart you sound whenever you are having a conversation with yourself via print.  You always win.)

Exactly!  And this principle applies to everyone.  A person's desire to have sex outside of marriage will collide with their desire to not get someone or themselves pregnant, or get an STD, or hurt someone else's feelings, or sin.  A person's desire to be a good friend will collide with their desire to be first, be right, get the last piece of cake, be lazy, not go the extra mile, be entitled.  A person's desire to eat the whole cake collides with the desire to not get diabetes, fat, a sugar rush followed by a massive crash ending with them drooling on their keyboard at work.  A person's yearning for truth will collide with other people's same desire.  

In the end, desire is not a singular track.  It is not do I do what I want or not do what I want, but what do I want the most?  Our desires are not only conflicting with what we hate, but with our OTHER DESIRES.  That conflict of desire has been one of the biggest surprises of being healthy again.  I had forgotten how many times I wished I didn't feel a certain good feeling because it took me away from another desire.  I forgot what it felt like to have those many desires all tugging on you and you want them all at once, and you have to choose which one you want most.  I want to be a good friend and serve others.  I also want to do whatever I want whenever I want.  I want to eat all of the sugar and meat on planet Earth.  I also want to be in shape, not have colon cancer, and keep my teeth.  I want to be obedient to God and remain sexually pure, yet I also don't.  I want to serve God above all else, and yet I want to serve my self above all else.  Everyone struggled with this, no matter who you are. 

Moral being, prepare yourself for the fact that having desires again, while completely wonderful, and being the way it should be, and being a million times better than being in depression, isn't the end of your struggles.  It is just a different battle altogether.  

ROMANS 7:15

15 For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 

This verse is Paul, toward the end of his life, talking about his struggle with this concept.  Paul, one of the greatest men who ever lived, still struggled to with the conflicting desires in his heart.  At least we can take comfort in knowing we are in good company.

Post-Depression Life: Returning from Nam

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Photo by: Alfred Eisenstaedt

When World War II ended the country went nuts with euphoria.  Almost everyone associated with the war was revered.  Heck, to this day we are still saying thank you and still revere those men who fought in WWII. 

Then there is Vietnam.  The soldiers returning from Nam were not only not met with parades and congratulations, but disdain.  People didn’t understand the war they fought.  It wasn’t as clear cut in their minds as WWII, which had a Lord of the Rings like quality, with dark lord taking over the world and all.  People doubted the battle taking place in Nam.  The mission was murky.  Where as the vision of those who fought in WWII was of this sparkling American hero, clean-shaven, articulate, and ready to help an old lady cross the street, those who fought in Nam were seen as hobos with machine guns. 

The effect of this perception cut deep both ways.  Where it was a boon for many who served in WWII, it crippled many who fought in Nam.  There are countless movies and books chronicling this.  

I hate to say it, but “coming home” from depression is like coming home from Nam, not WWII.  I used to look at how people treated those who survived other dreaded diseases and I would envy.  Almost any other disease that is battled and survived is met with sympathy and congratulations.  Not so with depression.  You will get more sympathy and congratulations defeating a cold than you will depression, even though depression a trillion times more awful.  

You see, just like with Nam, people don’t understand the battle.  Heck, many don’t even believe it is a real battle.  You just need to get over it.  Even those who do believe it is real on some level, struggle to comprehend it (and rightly so).  Thus, sympathy is difficult.  They cannot relate.  They don’t really see the danger.  On some level, they are going to wonder why you can’t just stop being that way, even though they never once would think such a thing about you if you had the flu or cancer.  No one looks at someone with the flu, gets upset, and says, “Stop it!  Just stop it!  Get it together!  Pull yourself out of this!”  They will with depression, underlying their ignorance of what depression is.  (Reminder: do not judge people for being ignorant on this.  I can say that I would probably be the exact same way had I not been forced to see it first hand, and I would bet you would too.  So, be understanding.)  

The effect that this can have on you once you are out is just like that of those returning to battle.  It can be incredibly deflating to have just won the greatest victory of your life, to win the battle of a lifetime, and to have no one care.  They will never know how much you have done for them, how many times you wanted to end it but didn’t, not for your sake, but theirs.  They will never grasp your affection for them.  They will not see it as a sacrifice.  They will see you return to health, and they won’t feel pride of what you have achieved.  They will probably, in fact, tell you to hide your victory, and never tell anyone for fear of the stigma that will follow.  AND, sadly, there is wisdom in that.  What they will feel is just relief that you are no longer acting as you once were, that you are healthy again. 

What you have to do is let it go that your victory is not going to be seen for what it really is.  No parties.  Just relief.  You cannot let this keep you down.  And here is why.  I know of your victory.  Your brothers and sisters who have struggled with depression know it.  Most of all, God knows.  

1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Hebrews 4:13 (ESV)

And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Your victory will be remembered by God, and His memory is flawless and eternal.  

So, prepare yourself for what is to come, and don’t let it get you down, at least not for long.  Don’t let other people’s perception weigh on you.  Remember, they just don’t know, and that’s okay.  Depression is hard to understand even when you have gone through it.  I don’t blame those who haven’t for not getting it.  I know my victory.  I know what God has accomplished in me.  I know that God knows what I’ve been through, and smiles on me for the things I did well, for keeping on fighting.  Life is good.  The victory is won.  Your day is coming too.