#5: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number five on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Four Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number five:

What to say:
We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

What NOT to say:
Try not to be so depressed.

Nicholas L. Laning

"We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."  Honestly, not a fan of this.  I like the intent and idea behind it, but not the actual saying.  I am not going to even dissect this.  In the end, simply saying, " I am here for you" is far more powerful and clean than this.  Stick with that. 

"Try not to be so depressed."  Man, if you are saying this, I feel for you.  There is zero condescension in that statement.  It hurts because I didn't understand it either until I went through a very long, painful process of coming to grips with reality.  Hear this, those of you on the outside looking in.  

Depression is not a mood.  

It is called an illness for a reason.  A mood can be altered with attitude.  Illnesses cannot.  Illnesses can be handled better or not, but no one has smiled away cancer.  You would never go up to someone with leukemia and say, "stop having cancer," or "could you try to make your leg not broken?" to someone with a broken leg.  

That is exactly how ridiculous it is when you say, "Try not to be so depressed."  It is absolutely imperative that you understand that depression is an illness that affects the emotions directly.  Depressed people cannot control the way they feel.  Do your research.  It's an epidemic.  People just don't want to talk about it.  They aren't doing anything really that rare.  It is just new to you.  

Feel free to challenge how people who are depressed respond to the unrelenting, uncontrollable pain they are dealing with.  We do this with any sick person.  We give those suffering grace, but not a free pass.  Even if someone has the worst disease ever, we do not allow them to say anything they want, or do whatever they want.  We still hold them to their own dignity, to responsibility.  We call and challenge them to meet the strife with courage, with honor, with patience.  

You must do this with those whom are depressed.  They need gracious, patient, challenging daily.  They are going to mess it up, and they need grace to do so, but don't let them sit and wallow.  Don't let them devolve.  You are in their life for a reason.  You can be the difference maker.  God uses humans above anything else to exact His will.  How exciting is that?  You can literally change someone's life.  There are people whom God used to save my life, with their love, their time, even their flaws.  They gave of themselves, and I am sitting here typing to you instead of still being depressed or being six feet under.  

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Expounding On: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Things to Not say) to Someone With Depression

The Old Guitarist, by Pablo Picasso

I discovered this article on depression by health.com.  It's called 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it. 

What I want to do is take each one of those 10 Things, and expound on them.  Here's the first example: 

What to say:
You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say:
There’s always someone worse off than you are.

Nicholas L. Laning

First thing I have to do is admit that my first response to pretty much all of these was to shout in my head, "Are you @#$%^&* kidding me?"  Then I recall that it took a year and half of being depressed before I finally accepted that I was depressed, as I didn't believe in depression.  So, I understand the confusion and ignorance that would lead people to say the things Not to Say.  Honestly, I would probably be the king of ignorance on this subject had I had not had to battle it for a decade.  Be better than me.  Don't be such an ostrich that you hurt yourself or someone you love.

If you follow these, you will be light years ahead in encouraging someone who is depressed.  The great part of saying that they are not alone in this, that you'll be there for them, is that you don't have to fully understand depression to help someone in it.  Actually, admitting you don't fully grasp it can be helpful.  Nobody needs you to lie.  People who are depressed don't need you to be an expert, they just need your support.  How freeing is that?  All you have to do is show and say, "I'm here for you.  We'll beat this.  It's going to be okay."   You don't have to fix them.  

Let me say that again... you DON'T have to fix them.  When we say, there's always someone worse off than you are, that comes from the desire to fix.  We think we can possibly show the person suffering through reasoning, why they should stop feeling that way.  

Here's the thing.  For one, you just started your attempt at encouragement by belittling their torment.  Do I even need to explain how this isn't smart?  This is just bad, guys.  How is belittling someone ever encouraging?  It isn't.  Not ever.  This is not a good idea for any kind of suffering, and yet, it is a popular line of thought when trying to "encourage".  

Also, you are assuming that someone is worse off.  Someone is at the bottom.  And frankly, is the person at the bottom of this imagined list of "Suffering the Most" the only person who we should empathize with?  Hurt for?  re they the only ones that have the freedom to mourn, to weep, to express their sorrow?  I can just see it.  You hold up the list of people most suffering.  You look up your friend's name.  "Chris, Chris, Chris," you say as your finger slides down the list until you come to their name.  "Ahhh, sorry Chris, but you are second on the list of 'people suffering the most in the world'.  So close, but, we're going to have to ask you to pull yourself together.  Oh yeah, and we're going to need you to come in on Sunday." 

Lastly, underneath your "encouragement" is the message, "Get over it."  Telling someone their pain isn't number one has nothing to do with it.  Their hurt is still real, powerful, and get this... seriously, you must understand this... they CAN'T stop it.  You must grasp this.  If they could pull themselves out they would.  Why in the world would they stay miserable?  I once heard someone respond, "For the attention."  What attention?  I dare you to tell someone you're depressed and see what that gets you.  You will discover there is no perk to being depressed.  People aren't going to come to your side and go, "Oh man, that's awful, how can I help?  Can I bake you cookies?"   Almost everyone is going to either ignore you, change the subject, or tell you to get over it.  So, let's put that argument to bed.  There is no perk. 

If someone you know is depressed, then know that they can't stop it.  Know that they don't need you to fix.  All they need is for you is to be there with them as they suffer, and keep on loving them. 

Close Your Mouth, and Just Listen

Nicholas L. Laning

I am saying this as much to myself as I am to anyone else.  That is not a rhetorical concession, something said to soften what is going to be condescending.  I mean it.  Someone starts talking to me about their problems, and I usually have to reiterate this to myself over and over.   

Nicholas, just shut up.  Stop it.  No.  Maybe there is truth in that thought you want to throw out there, but that's not the point.  Later.  First, listen, and not just with your ears.  Look at their eyes, Nicholas, and see their soul.  Open your heart to who they are, and shut up. 

On it goes, again and again.  To be honest, there are but a handful of people in the world that captivate me, that hold my attention without effort on my part.  I pray daily that the Holy Spirit would change my heart, that more and more people would captivate me, that I could be someone who genuinely loves others, has affection for them.  It is a work in progress.

When I was in the middle of the Abyss, my mother is the person I most went to.  There were a few friends I would share with (Christina (Brandon) Stock, Christine (Hand) Jones , Sarah (Perry) Hardie, to name a few).  Still, more often than not, I went to my mom.  (I will talk about how men and women responded to my depression later)  For the first several years of depression, it was rough.  I would go to her only when I had to, because when I told her, she would just freak out, and make me feel worse.  She would weep at my pain, and then she would try to fix it.  I came to her less and less, and felt more alone, which is exactly what the enemy wants.

Finally, somewhere in the middle of my time in the Abyss, I finally just told my mom that I needed her to stop, and just listen.  It was hard at first.  She felt justified in feeling sad, in weeping, and you know what?  She was, but not to me.  For me, she needed to just listen.  She could cry later to someone who was strong enough to handle it.  Sorrow has a chain.  It goes up, not down.  You don't lay your burdens upon the weary.  You seek the strong, the resolute.  Then when it is their turn to weep, and you are strong, you can return the favor.  It is now my turn to shut my mouth and listen, to be strong for others.

This post is for those of you on the outside trying your dead level best to love someone who is depressed.  Hear this.  More often than not (though surely not always), what is needed is simply for you to listen, and not just with your ears.  I know what I am asking.  No, I don't want you to join in their depression.  What I am saying is that everyone needs to know that someone out their cares.  You don't have to feel their pain to be effective.  Listening is huge.  Yes, they will say crazy stuff.  Unless they say something suicidal (in which case you rebuke them swiftly, as there is no room for such talk to fester), then let them rant.  Once finished, if they seem up to it, calmly tell them it is going to be okay, whether you feel that to be true or not.  You are stronger than they are, so tough.  You can be the difference maker.  God has used less to do more, just read the Bible.