#6: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number six on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  If you missed it, here was the Number Five Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number six:

What to say:
When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.

What NOT to say:
It’s your own fault.

Nicholas L. Laning

I love this one.  "When this is all over, I'll be here and so will you."  I can't remember where it is that I read that the two main driving forces in life were the seeking of goodness, or aversion from pain, but it stuck with me.  When we hurt, what do we want?  To stop hurting.  This is true with any pain.  Let me tell you a secret though, it is even more powerful for depression.  

Recall that one of the facets of depression is an unrelenting, overwhelming, involuntary negativity.  Depressed people cannot help it.  Their brains have, for whatever reason, turned on them, so to speak.  Everything that comes to mind is automatically turned to the negative.  You can be as optimistic as you want.  You can tell yourself all is great.  You can exhaust yourself finding the silver lining mentally.  In the end, you still feel like it is all terrible, useless, awful, pointless, etc.  

Believing that it will end is one of the most powerful tools for overcoming depression.  One of the biggest turning points in my battle was when I finally decided that I was going to believe it was going to end, no matter how I felt, no matter how much the depression tried to make me feel hopeless and trapped.  Slowly but surely things started to change.  

"But Nicholas, I myself struggle to believe it will end."  

Then change your mind right now.  Hear me.  Your loved one needs you to believe they are going to get better.  My mom was completely unrelenting on this point.  She kept saying it, "You will get better.  Just be strong, and it will end."  I would argue, "You don't know that."  She would say, "No, but I believe it with all my heart.  I just know you'll be okay.  It is going to end."  The more she said this the better.  Take whatever skepticism you have and stuff it.  Don't leave it to a person who is depressed to be the only one trying to the belief that they will be okay.  Talk about a bad idea.

Quickly, I also just like the reiteration, "I'll be here and so will you."  It may sound redundant to say, "so will you," after you said, "when this is over," but that's okay.  They need to hear that they are going to be back, that they will be redeemed and restored.  Use those two words frequently, by the way.

Again, this can only be said with a complete ignorance of what depression is.  Would you tell a woman her period is her fault?  What about when someone gets the flu?  What about kidney stones.

"Lisa, you know what, I am tired of your attitude, and I am sick and tired of hearing about this period.  It's your own fault you are like this, now get it together."  

"Ugh, Mike, I am sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you.  Get your act together.  Those kidney stones are your own dang fault."

Anyone else cringe?  Anyone?  It's bad, right?  How dumb is this?  Truth is, maybe you did do something that was a part of why you got depressed, cancer, the flu, kidney stones, whatever.  However, it still isn't your fault.  People don't give themselves cancer.  Perhaps they smoked too much, or ate poorly, or whatever, but lots of people do that and don't get cancer.  Lots of people have casual sex.  Not everyone that does gets and STD.  Same with kidney stones.  There are certain things that my uncle cannot intake without getting kidney stones.  He gets them all the time.  I can intake those things that would give him kidney stones and be just fine.  

So it is with depression.  Lots of people drink too much.  Yet, only some get hit with depression.  Everybody deals with loss of loved ones.  No one is above it.  Yet, not everyone gets thrown into depression over it.  Just like any disease, it hits some and not others.

Nothing outside set mine off.  I was fine.  I loved life.  One day I came home from High School, plopped my backpack on my bed, and wham!  Just like that, everything changed.  Torment entered me like I had never known, and it stayed inside me for ten years.  I still have no clue as to why.  It just did.

I know it is hard to understand.  It is such a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.  If you are reading this, then you are trying, and that says something!  

We cannot change our own hearts.  But, the Holy Spirit can.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for understanding, and I believe God will answer your prayer.  He will move you closer to the one you love who is struggling so.  I believe it!

Proverbs 2:2-6

2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;  

3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,  

4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.   

6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;