My depression started in the fall of 1998, my junior year of high school. The brunt of my depression faded in the fall of 2008, when I was doing mission work in Ireland. Those stories will be expounded upon, but what I want to talk about is the lingering scars of depression.
If people were to ask me if I was still depressed, I feel like saying no, and perhaps I am right. I no longer feel any of the overwhelming negativity that ruled and tortured my brain for a decade. I no longer get the feeling that Satan has my brain in his hands, and is squeezing it at his leisure. The darkness has been lifted off of me.
But, I don't feel whole either. I don't know if there is perhaps just the slightest effect of depression still on me or not. Or perhaps, it is the natural outcome of being tortured for far too long. My heart has been mangled, my soul shredded, and now it must slowly be mended. I knew it would take time, but just like those in the throws of depression, I struggle each day to believe that it will get better, that this isn't my life. If it is, then I will be just fine. Compared to what I came out of, this is paradise. To finally have the pain of the negativity finally stopped. It is bliss, and I am thankful. The question is one of restoration. It is one I have yet to ask others who have survived. Can I be whole again? Will my heart ever sore again? There have been moments, teases, to let me know my heart still could do it, that it wasn't just some fluke of childhood. It will return to itself, and I just weep in gratefulness. Then it fades, and I am left feeling just ok. Always okay. Not up, not down, just okay.
I am going to believe it will end. Why shouldn't I? I would rather spend my life pursuing it, and even if it is never realized in this life, that doesn't mean it couldn't have been. Yes, I will fight for it. I will fight in hope. I will fight.
If people were to ask me if I was still depressed, I feel like saying no, and perhaps I am right. I no longer feel any of the overwhelming negativity that ruled and tortured my brain for a decade. I no longer get the feeling that Satan has my brain in his hands, and is squeezing it at his leisure. The darkness has been lifted off of me.
But, I don't feel whole either. I don't know if there is perhaps just the slightest effect of depression still on me or not. Or perhaps, it is the natural outcome of being tortured for far too long. My heart has been mangled, my soul shredded, and now it must slowly be mended. I knew it would take time, but just like those in the throws of depression, I struggle each day to believe that it will get better, that this isn't my life. If it is, then I will be just fine. Compared to what I came out of, this is paradise. To finally have the pain of the negativity finally stopped. It is bliss, and I am thankful. The question is one of restoration. It is one I have yet to ask others who have survived. Can I be whole again? Will my heart ever sore again? There have been moments, teases, to let me know my heart still could do it, that it wasn't just some fluke of childhood. It will return to itself, and I just weep in gratefulness. Then it fades, and I am left feeling just ok. Always okay. Not up, not down, just okay.
I am going to believe it will end. Why shouldn't I? I would rather spend my life pursuing it, and even if it is never realized in this life, that doesn't mean it couldn't have been. Yes, I will fight for it. I will fight in hope. I will fight.
I'm visiting here on recommendation from a mutual friend. I've suffered through depression myself and payed a heavy price for it.
ReplyDeleteI know what you say about the reality of depression to be true.
I'll give a little lead in here. I'm an atheist and an artist. While I really do enjoy a good fight over the existance of god with my theist friends, I'm not here to do that. If I stay, I'm sure that our differences in this regard will play in, but as long as you don't try to convert me, I won't mock you. :)
I'll see if I have any artwork that I could honestly say is related to my disease.
Best to you in all!
Dahan