#3: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Two Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Nicholas L. Laning

Don't make me do the Care Bear Stare!  I'll do it!  Yes, that's a threat.  Physical touch is huge.  Yes, people are weird about touch.   I don't have much of "Bubble" myself, but that's okay if others do.  But, hey, that's why you ask them if they want a hug, and don't just give them one, I guess.  Hugs are great.  'Nough said. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Man, I have written about this subject many, many times before.  This subject has been dissected by my mind and heart.  Why?  Because for ten years I suffered enormously, and all but a handful of people showed me no sympathy.  I was amazed at how people withheld their pity.  I wondered why it was so stinking hard for people to just say, "I hurt for you, or with you."  Pity, it turns out, is some kind of a bad word. 

I understand the extreme.  Nobody likes wallowing, and depression can seem like wallowing, as it doesn't end in an hour or two.  Nobody wants to enable wallowing.  We want people to get up and feel better.  Truth be told it is a balance.  People in depression do wallow at times.  I wallowed like pig in the mud.  (My dad runs a ranch, so yes, I am redneck enough to pull that off thank you.)  

That's why we like the extremes.  You can run full tilt toward one direction or the other.  It is mindless.  Balance calls for thought, diligence.  It isn't about just finding the middle.  Some things weigh more than others.  So, the answer is going to change for each person.  You don't want to be extreme in the direction of withholding your pity.  Pity is not bad.  It's there for a reason, and if you don't ever feel it or show it, then your heart is too hard.  If someone is depressed, you should absolutely feel sorry for them, as you should when anyone is suffering mightily with anything.  By withholding your pity, you are in essence reaffirming your disbelief in their pain.  You are calling them a liar.  

On the other hand, you should not let them to sit either.  I have seen some people absolutely allow their depressed loved one wallow.  You cannot let a person who is depressed, which while they aren't crazy, they aren't thinking right either, make all of their own decisions.  It is scary to try and move a depressed person out of their comfort zone.  But, twenty hour video game marathons are not healthy for anybody.  They are devastating to a depressed person.  The depressed person isn't going to want to go out with their friends.  Tough.  They aren't going to feel like exercising.  Tough.  They are going to want to eat comfort food, i.e. food that is bad for them and will make them more depressed.  Tough.  Tough.  Tough.  

Think of it like a broken leg.  You don't ask a person with a broken leg to run.  That is insane.  But, in order for the leg to heal, and to keep the muscles from atrophying, you slowly but surely apply more pressure.  You may over do it, tweak the leg, and have to take it back a notch.  It is going to be day by day, but you keep trying to put as much pressure on the leg as possible.  So it is with depression.  I know you'd like a simpler answer, but the answer is balance.  You have to feel sorry for those in pain, but you can't let them wallow either.  Where that line is... is going to take some discernment.

Remember, you are not alone.  the God of the universe is with you.  He sent His son to die for you in your stead.  He knows your pain, and sympathizes with you (both those who are depressed and those trying help a depressed loved one)  Recall this verse today:

Hebrews 4:14-16

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  

16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

#2: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

Monk by the Sea

Caspar David Friedrich

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number One Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number two:

What to say:
You are important to me.

What NOT to say:
No one ever said that life was fair.

This one is almost redundant form the first.  It is important to say both, "I'll be there for you," and "Your important to me," though.  The difference may seem small, but there is a difference, and it is found in the pronouns each sentence begins with.  Saying, "I am here for you," is about you and your actions.  You are making a claim in regard to how you are going to act toward the person suffering.  Saying, "You are important to me," is focused on their value to you.  You are verbalizing how they affect you, telling them that they mean something to you.  

Both need to be said.  You could be there for someone for all kinds of reasons.  Perhaps you just think it a good thing to do.  It could be about making yourself feel better.  Being there for someone doesn't mean someone is important.  

You can also say that someone is important to you, and then go about your life without being involved.  This was the case with most people in my life.  Lots of people have loved me, but very few were actually there for me.

Now, to the what not to say.  Just like the previous "Thing to Not Say," the mistake in uttering these words begins with the idea of fixing.  The only logical reason you would say this is in hopes of fixing someone, as saying this has never made anyone ever feel better about anything... ever.  Somehow we think we can rationalize people out of their depression.  Let me say it again, guys.  You do not need to fix people who are depressed.  Actually, let me say it this way... you cannot fix people who are depressed.  Forget about depression for a second.  I have never once seen this line of "encouragement" work on any type of suffering.  Ever.  I have never seen a single person respond to being to life isn't fair by smiling and going, "Really?  I didn't know.  I was crying because I thought, 'You know, life is fair, and this hurts, so something is wrong,' but now that I know life isn't fair, it all makes sense, and I can stop crying now.  Brilliant!  Thanks!"

Again, I am not trying to be snarky.  I am no better than anyone.  I know this stuff in my head, write about it, tell others, and yet... yeah, I still struggle not to employ the same techniques.  I still desire to whip out the ole emotional duck tape and try to Jedi people out of their pain.  So, that makes me worse than most.  So, as I read this, I am slapping my own face too.  You are not alone.  I'm working on getting better at it too.  

As someone who has people come to them about their depression, I have to remember the same thing... what they need most from me is for me to actually hear them, believe in their pain, tell them I care, and mourn with them.  Done.  The Obi Wan hand sweep need not be employed, the Spock hand grip can be pocketed. (Did I just manage to reference Star Wars and Star Trek in one sentence?  I think I did.  I can't tell, my glasses are broke.  Where's the tape?)

And even more than these... I can share with them how God has already said both "I am here for you," and "You are important to me," many many times.  Giving up what you love most to die in another person's place says it all.

John 3:16  

16 "For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

Luke 12:24

24 "Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

My prayer is that you would read those words and believe them with all your heart today.  Amen.

Expounding On: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Things to Not say) to Someone With Depression

The Old Guitarist, by Pablo Picasso

I discovered this article on depression by health.com.  It's called 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it. 

What I want to do is take each one of those 10 Things, and expound on them.  Here's the first example: 

What to say:
You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say:
There’s always someone worse off than you are.

Nicholas L. Laning

First thing I have to do is admit that my first response to pretty much all of these was to shout in my head, "Are you @#$%^&* kidding me?"  Then I recall that it took a year and half of being depressed before I finally accepted that I was depressed, as I didn't believe in depression.  So, I understand the confusion and ignorance that would lead people to say the things Not to Say.  Honestly, I would probably be the king of ignorance on this subject had I had not had to battle it for a decade.  Be better than me.  Don't be such an ostrich that you hurt yourself or someone you love.

If you follow these, you will be light years ahead in encouraging someone who is depressed.  The great part of saying that they are not alone in this, that you'll be there for them, is that you don't have to fully understand depression to help someone in it.  Actually, admitting you don't fully grasp it can be helpful.  Nobody needs you to lie.  People who are depressed don't need you to be an expert, they just need your support.  How freeing is that?  All you have to do is show and say, "I'm here for you.  We'll beat this.  It's going to be okay."   You don't have to fix them.  

Let me say that again... you DON'T have to fix them.  When we say, there's always someone worse off than you are, that comes from the desire to fix.  We think we can possibly show the person suffering through reasoning, why they should stop feeling that way.  

Here's the thing.  For one, you just started your attempt at encouragement by belittling their torment.  Do I even need to explain how this isn't smart?  This is just bad, guys.  How is belittling someone ever encouraging?  It isn't.  Not ever.  This is not a good idea for any kind of suffering, and yet, it is a popular line of thought when trying to "encourage".  

Also, you are assuming that someone is worse off.  Someone is at the bottom.  And frankly, is the person at the bottom of this imagined list of "Suffering the Most" the only person who we should empathize with?  Hurt for?  re they the only ones that have the freedom to mourn, to weep, to express their sorrow?  I can just see it.  You hold up the list of people most suffering.  You look up your friend's name.  "Chris, Chris, Chris," you say as your finger slides down the list until you come to their name.  "Ahhh, sorry Chris, but you are second on the list of 'people suffering the most in the world'.  So close, but, we're going to have to ask you to pull yourself together.  Oh yeah, and we're going to need you to come in on Sunday." 

Lastly, underneath your "encouragement" is the message, "Get over it."  Telling someone their pain isn't number one has nothing to do with it.  Their hurt is still real, powerful, and get this... seriously, you must understand this... they CAN'T stop it.  You must grasp this.  If they could pull themselves out they would.  Why in the world would they stay miserable?  I once heard someone respond, "For the attention."  What attention?  I dare you to tell someone you're depressed and see what that gets you.  You will discover there is no perk to being depressed.  People aren't going to come to your side and go, "Oh man, that's awful, how can I help?  Can I bake you cookies?"   Almost everyone is going to either ignore you, change the subject, or tell you to get over it.  So, let's put that argument to bed.  There is no perk. 

If someone you know is depressed, then know that they can't stop it.  Know that they don't need you to fix.  All they need is for you is to be there with them as they suffer, and keep on loving them.