Post Abyssic Life

Nicholas L. Laning

Sometimes I have to remember.  Sometimes I just focus on where I am, or even where I have been the last two or three years inside, and I just don't recall.  When I look at my life, I have a tendency to struggle with frustration.  My longing for purpose and my desire for life can be manipulated a bit too easy I fear.

All I have to do is be told that I need to look around and compare myself.  If I am honest, I am on course, but there are some who are "ahead" of me.  Some of my peers have houses and kids and careers that I don't.  One look at them, and I begin to ask myself what I have done wrong, which, is a good thing. 

There are certainly many things that I have done wrong, and that I still struggle with that I need to overcome.  However, it has been shown to me that I need to have realistic expectations.  I am the one that always uses the metaphor, "you don't ask someone with a broken leg to run," when talking about the emotional capabilities of those who are depressed.  Yet, I have not given myself any room to allow that past into my current assessment. 

Using the leg metaphor some more, it is as if my leg has finally healed, I have gotten up to running speed, and yet I am somehow shocked to find that the group I started the race with is ahead of me.  It makes no sense for me, and it makes no sense for you.  If you are post depression, you need to allow for that time spent in struggle into your assessment of life.  You're right, you're not at the same place as a lot of your peers as far as physical stuff goes.  That's okay.  What's important is our relationship with God, and He certainly understands what has transpired.  Maybe your friends forget, or just never got it, but not God.  The rest of your fellow depression survivors understand too.  You are not alone. 

Video Games and Depression

Nicholas L. Laning

Before I even write another sentence, I want to say that my opinion is one of balance, and that balance is going to be personal. 

Now, let me tell you what the heck I am even talking about.  I am talking about video games.  (All the girls stand up and walk out of the room).  Alright, guys, somewhere amidst the drubbing of depression, life changes.  It is no longer marked by events.  We don't look forward to things.  All is pain.  There are no highs.  Instead, life becomes about passing time.  That's it.  We want to make it through another day as painlessly as possible. 

Few things help the time pass with as quickly, with as little pain, as video games.  This is of course false if you are playing NCAA football on Heisman, and your players fumble ten times a game.  I remember my parents buying me a PS2 as a means of giving me something to pass the time.  It worked.  At the time, my game was Gran Turismo.  Man, I played that game so much I am surprised it didn't melt in the trey. 

At first I thought it a blessing.  Days passed without me thinking about wanting to die all the time.  Then, after a few weeks, it became apparent that what could be good in small doses was being outright abused.  I had no life, no friends that I was hanging out with.  (Back story, this was 2001, when I had come back home to New Braunfels, and attended Southwest Texas State University for a semester.)  Most of my friends were still up at DBU.  Every story about their lives killed me.  They went on trips, hung out, all of it.  Meanwhile, I went to class, talked to no one, came home, played video games until three am, then repeated.  By the end of the semester I knew that I had to go back to a real life.  My life had become a progression of screens.  Nothing was real.  Everything was a pixel. 

I have seen this time and again in others lives.  Fifteen hour Call of Duty binges, Elder Scroll Marathons.  Entire seasons of Madden played in a day.  This is not healthy. 

Video games can be a wonderful momentary escape to help calm down, to assuage.  Yet, in the end, exercise is needed.  Friends are needed.  Yes, those things are difficult.  You are going to have a hard time.  But, in the end, it is good for you.  In the short term you might think that all of life is too painful to endure whilst in depression, so you will be tempted to check yourself out of life.  After a while that will change.  You will ended up like I did.  You will end up alone, listening to your friends live life, and bitterness and regret will set in.  You will feel trapped.  Your past stolen from you, and your future too.  It may not be anywhere near perfect, but I say a messed up future spent bravely trying to live in spite of your current horror is much better than quitting, and just playing video games to pass the time until you die. 

Living in Spite of Your Feelings

Nicholas L. Laning

What do you do when all your feelings are terrible?

We love to think that we are rational beings.  Atheism has flourished, somewhat, not upon its actual strengths, but upon the lie that it is devoid of faith.  So many Christians have fallen for the lie that they have figured out how to remove faith from Christianity, despite the fact that this is what is counted to us as righteousness, and have convinced themselves that they it is solely reason that pushes them.  I have been amongst struggled with both of those lies myself.  We love to feel that we make our decisions based upon nothing but rational ideas, but no ones makes their decisions based upon thought alone.  If we are willing to be honest with ourselves, and were to search our thoughts, we would surely find that emotion plays a huge part in why we decide things.  So many times I have talked with people who have claimed to make a decision based upon thought alone.  Yet, after asking the tough questions, they have come to offer up that they decided to... whatever... because they just... insert an emotional response to whatever the issue is.  I have had this happen to me many times, especially in my youth.

Christians surely do this.  How often do we make a decision, not based on any rational thought, but because, "We FEEL called to... change jobs, do missions in a foreign land, whatever?"  If we are honest, then the answer is... very often.  We get a good feeling about something, and we take that be the blessing of the Holy Spirit.  We feel bad about something, and we feel the spirit telling us to avoid it.

Well, what do you do when all your feelings are terrible?

One of the most terrifying elements of depression is that our emotions no longer follow a normal path.  They no longer follow life.  In a normal heart, you go see your friends, you feel something good.  Someone dies, and you feel sad.  Well, in depression, you just feel pain, no matter what, and it drives you crazy.  Part of our decision making process has been stripped.

So, how do we move forward?

We move forward by doing something that takes courage, and is not natural.  We have to make decisions based upon faith and hope.  We have to believe that goodness is real, despite the fact that we don't feel that to be true.  We hope that love will return to our hearts, though we haven't felt its glow in years.  We move forward in faith and hope of things to come.  We keep breathing, and one day, God willing, we will, in this life, be restored.

Have hope.  Believe in good.  Believe in love.  Believe that this current pain is true, but only a momentary aberration.  The ultimate reality is that goodness and love and joy and happiness are real.  Keep fighting.  You are in my prayers.  My heart goes out to you.  Write me if you want.  Always remember that God loved you enough to allow His only Son to suffer worse than you have on your behalf.  He does love you.  He really does.