#3: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number Two Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number three:

What to say:
Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Nicholas L. Laning

Don't make me do the Care Bear Stare!  I'll do it!  Yes, that's a threat.  Physical touch is huge.  Yes, people are weird about touch.   I don't have much of "Bubble" myself, but that's okay if others do.  But, hey, that's why you ask them if they want a hug, and don't just give them one, I guess.  Hugs are great.  'Nough said. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Man, I have written about this subject many, many times before.  This subject has been dissected by my mind and heart.  Why?  Because for ten years I suffered enormously, and all but a handful of people showed me no sympathy.  I was amazed at how people withheld their pity.  I wondered why it was so stinking hard for people to just say, "I hurt for you, or with you."  Pity, it turns out, is some kind of a bad word. 

I understand the extreme.  Nobody likes wallowing, and depression can seem like wallowing, as it doesn't end in an hour or two.  Nobody wants to enable wallowing.  We want people to get up and feel better.  Truth be told it is a balance.  People in depression do wallow at times.  I wallowed like pig in the mud.  (My dad runs a ranch, so yes, I am redneck enough to pull that off thank you.)  

That's why we like the extremes.  You can run full tilt toward one direction or the other.  It is mindless.  Balance calls for thought, diligence.  It isn't about just finding the middle.  Some things weigh more than others.  So, the answer is going to change for each person.  You don't want to be extreme in the direction of withholding your pity.  Pity is not bad.  It's there for a reason, and if you don't ever feel it or show it, then your heart is too hard.  If someone is depressed, you should absolutely feel sorry for them, as you should when anyone is suffering mightily with anything.  By withholding your pity, you are in essence reaffirming your disbelief in their pain.  You are calling them a liar.  

On the other hand, you should not let them to sit either.  I have seen some people absolutely allow their depressed loved one wallow.  You cannot let a person who is depressed, which while they aren't crazy, they aren't thinking right either, make all of their own decisions.  It is scary to try and move a depressed person out of their comfort zone.  But, twenty hour video game marathons are not healthy for anybody.  They are devastating to a depressed person.  The depressed person isn't going to want to go out with their friends.  Tough.  They aren't going to feel like exercising.  Tough.  They are going to want to eat comfort food, i.e. food that is bad for them and will make them more depressed.  Tough.  Tough.  Tough.  

Think of it like a broken leg.  You don't ask a person with a broken leg to run.  That is insane.  But, in order for the leg to heal, and to keep the muscles from atrophying, you slowly but surely apply more pressure.  You may over do it, tweak the leg, and have to take it back a notch.  It is going to be day by day, but you keep trying to put as much pressure on the leg as possible.  So it is with depression.  I know you'd like a simpler answer, but the answer is balance.  You have to feel sorry for those in pain, but you can't let them wallow either.  Where that line is... is going to take some discernment.

Remember, you are not alone.  the God of the universe is with you.  He sent His son to die for you in your stead.  He knows your pain, and sympathizes with you (both those who are depressed and those trying help a depressed loved one)  Recall this verse today:

Hebrews 4:14-16

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  

16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.