Expounding On: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Things to Not say) to Someone With Depression

The Old Guitarist, by Pablo Picasso

I discovered this article on depression by health.com.  It's called 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it. 

What I want to do is take each one of those 10 Things, and expound on them.  Here's the first example: 

What to say:
You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say:
There’s always someone worse off than you are.

Nicholas L. Laning

First thing I have to do is admit that my first response to pretty much all of these was to shout in my head, "Are you @#$%^&* kidding me?"  Then I recall that it took a year and half of being depressed before I finally accepted that I was depressed, as I didn't believe in depression.  So, I understand the confusion and ignorance that would lead people to say the things Not to Say.  Honestly, I would probably be the king of ignorance on this subject had I had not had to battle it for a decade.  Be better than me.  Don't be such an ostrich that you hurt yourself or someone you love.

If you follow these, you will be light years ahead in encouraging someone who is depressed.  The great part of saying that they are not alone in this, that you'll be there for them, is that you don't have to fully understand depression to help someone in it.  Actually, admitting you don't fully grasp it can be helpful.  Nobody needs you to lie.  People who are depressed don't need you to be an expert, they just need your support.  How freeing is that?  All you have to do is show and say, "I'm here for you.  We'll beat this.  It's going to be okay."   You don't have to fix them.  

Let me say that again... you DON'T have to fix them.  When we say, there's always someone worse off than you are, that comes from the desire to fix.  We think we can possibly show the person suffering through reasoning, why they should stop feeling that way.  

Here's the thing.  For one, you just started your attempt at encouragement by belittling their torment.  Do I even need to explain how this isn't smart?  This is just bad, guys.  How is belittling someone ever encouraging?  It isn't.  Not ever.  This is not a good idea for any kind of suffering, and yet, it is a popular line of thought when trying to "encourage".  

Also, you are assuming that someone is worse off.  Someone is at the bottom.  And frankly, is the person at the bottom of this imagined list of "Suffering the Most" the only person who we should empathize with?  Hurt for?  re they the only ones that have the freedom to mourn, to weep, to express their sorrow?  I can just see it.  You hold up the list of people most suffering.  You look up your friend's name.  "Chris, Chris, Chris," you say as your finger slides down the list until you come to their name.  "Ahhh, sorry Chris, but you are second on the list of 'people suffering the most in the world'.  So close, but, we're going to have to ask you to pull yourself together.  Oh yeah, and we're going to need you to come in on Sunday." 

Lastly, underneath your "encouragement" is the message, "Get over it."  Telling someone their pain isn't number one has nothing to do with it.  Their hurt is still real, powerful, and get this... seriously, you must understand this... they CAN'T stop it.  You must grasp this.  If they could pull themselves out they would.  Why in the world would they stay miserable?  I once heard someone respond, "For the attention."  What attention?  I dare you to tell someone you're depressed and see what that gets you.  You will discover there is no perk to being depressed.  People aren't going to come to your side and go, "Oh man, that's awful, how can I help?  Can I bake you cookies?"   Almost everyone is going to either ignore you, change the subject, or tell you to get over it.  So, let's put that argument to bed.  There is no perk. 

If someone you know is depressed, then know that they can't stop it.  Know that they don't need you to fix.  All they need is for you is to be there with them as they suffer, and keep on loving them.