#2: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

Monk by the Sea

Caspar David Friedrich

This is number two on the list of things to say and not to say to someone with depression, as was posted by health.com.  Here's the link: 10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  It's a super simple article.  It gives a good and bad example, that's it.  Number One Thing to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone With Depression.  Here's number two:

What to say:
You are important to me.

What NOT to say:
No one ever said that life was fair.

This one is almost redundant form the first.  It is important to say both, "I'll be there for you," and "Your important to me," though.  The difference may seem small, but there is a difference, and it is found in the pronouns each sentence begins with.  Saying, "I am here for you," is about you and your actions.  You are making a claim in regard to how you are going to act toward the person suffering.  Saying, "You are important to me," is focused on their value to you.  You are verbalizing how they affect you, telling them that they mean something to you.  

Both need to be said.  You could be there for someone for all kinds of reasons.  Perhaps you just think it a good thing to do.  It could be about making yourself feel better.  Being there for someone doesn't mean someone is important.  

You can also say that someone is important to you, and then go about your life without being involved.  This was the case with most people in my life.  Lots of people have loved me, but very few were actually there for me.

Now, to the what not to say.  Just like the previous "Thing to Not Say," the mistake in uttering these words begins with the idea of fixing.  The only logical reason you would say this is in hopes of fixing someone, as saying this has never made anyone ever feel better about anything... ever.  Somehow we think we can rationalize people out of their depression.  Let me say it again, guys.  You do not need to fix people who are depressed.  Actually, let me say it this way... you cannot fix people who are depressed.  Forget about depression for a second.  I have never once seen this line of "encouragement" work on any type of suffering.  Ever.  I have never seen a single person respond to being to life isn't fair by smiling and going, "Really?  I didn't know.  I was crying because I thought, 'You know, life is fair, and this hurts, so something is wrong,' but now that I know life isn't fair, it all makes sense, and I can stop crying now.  Brilliant!  Thanks!"

Again, I am not trying to be snarky.  I am no better than anyone.  I know this stuff in my head, write about it, tell others, and yet... yeah, I still struggle not to employ the same techniques.  I still desire to whip out the ole emotional duck tape and try to Jedi people out of their pain.  So, that makes me worse than most.  So, as I read this, I am slapping my own face too.  You are not alone.  I'm working on getting better at it too.  

As someone who has people come to them about their depression, I have to remember the same thing... what they need most from me is for me to actually hear them, believe in their pain, tell them I care, and mourn with them.  Done.  The Obi Wan hand sweep need not be employed, the Spock hand grip can be pocketed. (Did I just manage to reference Star Wars and Star Trek in one sentence?  I think I did.  I can't tell, my glasses are broke.  Where's the tape?)

And even more than these... I can share with them how God has already said both "I am here for you," and "You are important to me," many many times.  Giving up what you love most to die in another person's place says it all.

John 3:16  

16 "For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

Luke 12:24

24 "Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

My prayer is that you would read those words and believe them with all your heart today.  Amen.