Close Your Mouth, and Just Listen

Nicholas L. Laning

I am saying this as much to myself as I am to anyone else.  That is not a rhetorical concession, something said to soften what is going to be condescending.  I mean it.  Someone starts talking to me about their problems, and I usually have to reiterate this to myself over and over.   

Nicholas, just shut up.  Stop it.  No.  Maybe there is truth in that thought you want to throw out there, but that's not the point.  Later.  First, listen, and not just with your ears.  Look at their eyes, Nicholas, and see their soul.  Open your heart to who they are, and shut up. 

On it goes, again and again.  To be honest, there are but a handful of people in the world that captivate me, that hold my attention without effort on my part.  I pray daily that the Holy Spirit would change my heart, that more and more people would captivate me, that I could be someone who genuinely loves others, has affection for them.  It is a work in progress.

When I was in the middle of the Abyss, my mother is the person I most went to.  There were a few friends I would share with (Christina (Brandon) Stock, Christine (Hand) Jones , Sarah (Perry) Hardie, to name a few).  Still, more often than not, I went to my mom.  (I will talk about how men and women responded to my depression later)  For the first several years of depression, it was rough.  I would go to her only when I had to, because when I told her, she would just freak out, and make me feel worse.  She would weep at my pain, and then she would try to fix it.  I came to her less and less, and felt more alone, which is exactly what the enemy wants.

Finally, somewhere in the middle of my time in the Abyss, I finally just told my mom that I needed her to stop, and just listen.  It was hard at first.  She felt justified in feeling sad, in weeping, and you know what?  She was, but not to me.  For me, she needed to just listen.  She could cry later to someone who was strong enough to handle it.  Sorrow has a chain.  It goes up, not down.  You don't lay your burdens upon the weary.  You seek the strong, the resolute.  Then when it is their turn to weep, and you are strong, you can return the favor.  It is now my turn to shut my mouth and listen, to be strong for others.

This post is for those of you on the outside trying your dead level best to love someone who is depressed.  Hear this.  More often than not (though surely not always), what is needed is simply for you to listen, and not just with your ears.  I know what I am asking.  No, I don't want you to join in their depression.  What I am saying is that everyone needs to know that someone out their cares.  You don't have to feel their pain to be effective.  Listening is huge.  Yes, they will say crazy stuff.  Unless they say something suicidal (in which case you rebuke them swiftly, as there is no room for such talk to fester), then let them rant.  Once finished, if they seem up to it, calmly tell them it is going to be okay, whether you feel that to be true or not.  You are stronger than they are, so tough.  You can be the difference maker.  God has used less to do more, just read the Bible.