Defining Depression

Just like any one word, the word "depression" is limited.  Those limitations can affect what we think, whether we like it or not.  When we hear the word "depression", I wonder a few things.  I wonder if naming something out of the ordinary something we can ordinarily feel, if we are not unintentionally making light of the truth about depression.  No wonder people think that depression is just a persistent feelings of sadness.  It is nothing of the sort.  There is no common emotion to link it to.  If you haven't felt it, then you have no way to relate.  It is it's own thing.

That is why I wan to try and help define it, as best I can.  I am no professional, just a guy trying to help.  Hopefully these definitions will be just that.  Hopefully they will comfort.

One is this: Extreme Involuntary Cynicism.   When depressed, there is a cynicism that overtakes you.  It is unwelcome, and incessant.  If you could hear a depressed persons thoughts, they might sound something like this...

I wonder how my mom is doing? 

Why?

Because she's my mom?

So?  Who cares?  That doesn't matter.

Are you f@#$ing kidding?  Mother's are special!  Important!

Why?  Life sucks right?

Yeah.

And she gave you life?

Yeah.

Then she is awful!  You should hate her!  How awful to have ever been born.  She is nothing!  Nothing!  You are nothing!  You are here in the cold all because of her!  Why would you love her?  Why would you love?  What is love?  Does love exist?  Does anything exist beyond the pain?  NO!  

STOP!  STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOP IT!   AAAHHHHH!

It is as if your own brain is out to destroy everything beautiful and good.  You get to a point to where you try to hide things from your brain.  You try to not think of them.  Maybe if you can keep this good thing, or that good thing in the recesses, your mangled mind won't be able to dismember and disfigure them.  It is torture.

Another part of depression, is the Extreme Emotional Numbness.  This numbness is frustrating to explain, because it hurts.  I used to talk about the pain, then say I was numb, and people would hammer me for sounding hypocritical.  It was almost like they were saying, "Aha!  Gotcha!  I knew it was a lie!  You can't even get your story straight!" 

Here's the thing.  There is a song by Nickel Creek called Hanging By A Thread.  One of the lines goes like this, "There's a certain kind of pain, that can numb you, there's a certain kind of emptiness, that can fill you up."  It is true.  Extreme numbness hurts.  Just apply the idea of numbness to something else.

Think about a paraplegic.  They are numb all over.  Is that not painful in it's own way?  Does the lack of ability to move not madden?  Frustrate?  It is torture to have legs and not be able to move them.  Now, imagine knowing you once felt, and can now no longer feel, anything but his pain you've never felt before.  No happiness.  Zero.  No comfort.  No love.  No sadness even, as sadness is linked to love.  Just emotional pain coming in from the abyss.  We call it depression, but it is surely its own beast.  You live off of the memory of love, the memory of happiness, and just beg that it will one day return.

Hopefully that is of some help.  Hopefully that makes it more clear.  Feel free to tell me what you think, to discuss with me.  Post a comment below.  You don't have to sign in, just select anonymous.  You can sign your name in the comment itself.  Keep fighting.