The S Word

Nicholas L. Laning

I never struggled with suicide.  That is one of the few lines I never crossed in my heart.  It never lingered in my mind for more than a second.  For one, I knew the effect it would have on everyone else in my life, that it would destroy so much.  I would have lived my entire life in that hell simply for their sakes.  Two, I didn't want to exit life like that.

Though I didn't think about killing myself, there were other dark thoughts.  I longed for death then in the same way I now long for a hug from a friend.  It was not feared at all, but craved for insatiably.  Again and again I prayed, for at least eight of my ten years of depression, for God to kill me or at least allow my death to be soon.

The peak of this came when I was at Dallas Baptist University.  I spent my first year there, and barely made it through.  The negativity in my brain was incessant and was driving me mad, helping me ruin the one true friendship I had at DBU at the time.  Everything loved was lost in seconds to the monster in my brain.  It felt like satan held my brain in his hand, and he was squeezing the living daylights out of it.

I would lay in my room for hours upon end, unable to sleep.  Finally, I would get up, exit the dorm, get in my truck, and just drive around in the dark.  I would drive for hours at a time, being very sure to drive as carefully as I could, as I would not be the reason I died.  Yet, the entire time I was praying, "God, if you love me you will end this.  Take me home, Father.  Take me home.  End it.  Please, if you love me..."  Each Mack truck that passed was hope.  When they finally whooshed by, shaking my car in their wake, my heart would sink in disappointment.  I did this for about two weeks before I realized that it was too expensive to continue, and that God was not going to give me my ridiculous request.

It is very difficult and embarrassing to share this, but I am willing to do it if it brings any of you hope, if lets you know that you are not alone.  I went through that.  I prayed for death for years upon end, and here I am, healthy, past depression, telling you that it can end.  Have hope.  I am the same person who drove around hoping to die, and I now love life as I did before.  My hope was founded.  God was faithful.  Yes, it was awful, but it is over, and yours can be too.  Hold on to the truth, past what you feel this moment.  Remember the good you felt before.  That was real, not an illusion.  Good is real.  Happiness is real.  Joy is real.  Love is real.  God is real.  Cling to hope.  Cling to Him.

James 5:13 ESV

[The Prayer of Faith] Is anyone among you suffering?  Let him pray.  Is anyone among you cheerful? Let him song praise.