It is funny how talking things out can open your mind, isn`t it? The simple act of taking the internal, and trying to make it external can bring about amazing clarity. Last night I was trying to explain my struggle to Kathleen, and in that process, clarity came unexpectedly.
I was trying to explain how my heart struggles. Here is how I put it. It is as if there is the great battle being waged between my subconscious and my conscious. From my perspective, this isn`t shocking. The difference is that it seems as if most people have a subconscious that is busy connecting, easy to latch on to others, too quick really.
This is what i see, and hear, and how I felt before my depression. My heart was dying to connect, to latch on. Meanwhile, my conscious efforts were all spent on trying to tame the flames growing in my heart. Does this sound right? As I said, it is an observation. I could be totally wrong. For example, with friends, my heart was all too ready to attach. This eager attachment caused heart ache sometimes, as it impairs your wisdom. Your heart feels without reason, and you pounce, sometimes foolishly. We have all done this.
Now, it is my new heart that works the opposite. Ever since my depression, it is as if my heart were a switchboard, and my subconscious is running around yanking out all of the connections as fast as it can. Meanwhile, I spend all my time consciously fostering those connections, plugging them in as fast as I can. The fight isn`t fair though. My subconscious knows what is going on up top, but not the other way around. It is like fighting a war against an enemy that has an updated version of your battle plan, and you have but clues to piece everything together.
Suffice it to say that it will only be by the Holy Spirit that my heart is fully returned. There have been seasons, times, where I have had my heart made full. It is those moments that keep me going, that help me to fight off the lies that say that I will never again be whole, that this is the new reality. I really do have hope in Christ, that even after all of this time, it is surely not too late, that there is much to hope in. I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1 ESV) But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:25 ESV)
I was trying to explain how my heart struggles. Here is how I put it. It is as if there is the great battle being waged between my subconscious and my conscious. From my perspective, this isn`t shocking. The difference is that it seems as if most people have a subconscious that is busy connecting, easy to latch on to others, too quick really.
This is what i see, and hear, and how I felt before my depression. My heart was dying to connect, to latch on. Meanwhile, my conscious efforts were all spent on trying to tame the flames growing in my heart. Does this sound right? As I said, it is an observation. I could be totally wrong. For example, with friends, my heart was all too ready to attach. This eager attachment caused heart ache sometimes, as it impairs your wisdom. Your heart feels without reason, and you pounce, sometimes foolishly. We have all done this.
Now, it is my new heart that works the opposite. Ever since my depression, it is as if my heart were a switchboard, and my subconscious is running around yanking out all of the connections as fast as it can. Meanwhile, I spend all my time consciously fostering those connections, plugging them in as fast as I can. The fight isn`t fair though. My subconscious knows what is going on up top, but not the other way around. It is like fighting a war against an enemy that has an updated version of your battle plan, and you have but clues to piece everything together.
Suffice it to say that it will only be by the Holy Spirit that my heart is fully returned. There have been seasons, times, where I have had my heart made full. It is those moments that keep me going, that help me to fight off the lies that say that I will never again be whole, that this is the new reality. I really do have hope in Christ, that even after all of this time, it is surely not too late, that there is much to hope in. I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1 ESV) But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:25 ESV)
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